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I've been so busy that it is almost insane. INSANE. I haven't had time for anything, and I feel really bad about it. Thankfully I don't think that I really had that much to do anyway, so it shouldn't really be a big issue. Things are finally starting to look up even more. I got my new car, it's a little Mazda 121, and so cute that it is not funny! I just found a picture that is exactly like it! Colour and everything!
http://www.premium-autowerbung.de/pkw/bilder/12824.jpg
Isn't it just the cutest little thing ever? I love it, I fell in love with it when I first saw it, it is just perfect. Andit didn't cost too much either, only $5800. We managed to get the dealer down from $7200, which isn't a bad saving if you ask me. But yes, this entry was just to show off my new motor vehicle, yay me!
I'm addicted to hurting myself. I am actually addicted to getting myself stomped all over by people. It seems to me like I enjoy nothing more than picking people to have around me that I know, one way or the other, are going to hurt me beyond comprehension. The amount of people that I have had around me in the past that have done nothing but hurt me is incredible. And the thing is, is that most of them are still around. I cannot seem to get enough of the pain and the hurt and the anguish that I feel when nothing works out.
Take my boyfriend for example. God knows I love him, I have loved him for so long, possibly far too long than what is healthy, but all being with him has ever done is tear me away from my friends, my family, and result in heartbreak. The amount of friends that I have sacrificed for him is almost mind boggling. I nearly lost my relationship with my parents because of him, and the fact that I could be heading down that road again terrifies me, but at the same time, I cannot tear myself from him, because my feelings for him are just too strong. At the moment, my feelings are just overpowering every fibre of my being. I do not seem to have any sort of rational control of myself and the way that I react to things. My body and mind have been thrown into this haywire, and I just cannot rationalise anything at the moment.
I am starting to think that is the source of the problems that I have been having. What happened to me triggered some sort of emotional meltdown for me, and at the moment, I am reacting to everything purely on gut instinct and not with a rational thought. Logic has just flown out the window for the time being. That could explain why I am with this person, someone that has in the past proven to do nothing but make me dependent on him and rip me away from my life so that I can become a part of his. I am being swallowed up by him again, and I don't understad why. i'm a powerful, strong willed person normally. Ask anyone, that is what they will tell you. But really, if he asked me to jump, my only answer would be "How high?"
So I thought about it, and in the end, all that I could come up with was maybe I don't love him, maybe I just hate myself. Maybe I hate what I have become, and by being this subserviant creature for him, I somehow change myself. I hate who I am, so I am becoming who he wants me to be. In the midst of my world collapsing around me, he is the only thing that is just standing still for the time being, and I have clung to it. Maybe I'm totally insane, but in the end, that is where this seems to be leading. It seems to be leading to me totally and utterly destroying the person that I used to love so much in favour of becoming what someone else wants me to be.
It all started with him, that guy that screwed me into the ground so much that I didn't know if I could ever stand up again. It started with him fucking someone else, his ex in fact. The ex that he had told me a thousand times that he hated, that he would never want to see again. He told me he loved me right up until the moment that I broke up with him, when it suddenly all became my fault. He didn't fucking well cry when I broke up with him, he just sat there, like it was no big deal. This girl that he had claimed to love, this person that he had treasured so much, had meant nothing to him. He lied, he had been lying since we were together. And you know what? That triggered something in there. In my mind, twisted thing that it is, it wasn't him that was totally fucked up, it was me. I was the one that wasn't good enough, how else could he not care? I thought it was me, and from there, everything went downhill.
I am over the 'it was all me' stage, but I still have this nagging sense of inferiority about every single little thing that I do. I had a guy come up to me today when I was trying on clothing, totally random, who told me that I looked hot. I told him that he must have been looking at the wrong girl. That is not me! I don't say things like that! I used to smile, act pretty and be all charming and lovely. My friends were stunned when I said it, it was just very much out of character, something that had they heard I said it from someone else, would have laughed and told them that they were all totally bonkers. Little things like that, little things seem to give away what is going on inside of my head at the moment. Just like little things seem to signal when I am going to have a panic attack and try and off myself. Came close the other day, I can never remember exactly what it is that triggers these things, but it reminded me of a time between Russell and myself, and something that had been said, and eventually my interpretation that if I killed myself, nothing would matter any more. The boyfriend brought me out of it. Apparently I start to breathe a little faster, pulling at my hair, and tend to curl into a little ball. He saw it happening, he hugged me, he told me he loved me, he told me that no matter what, everything was going to be okay, and nothing happened. It was like it brought me out of it, just hearing that soemone loved me, and cared for what happened to me.
Maybe he isn't the right guy for me, maybe that is why I always end up back in his arms, maybe that is why, no matter what, things will always invariably turn out totally fucked up between us. We are either together, or we hate eachother. We pretend to be friends, but we never are, it's just not us, and never will be. I don't know, we'll see how it turns out.
Hah! Day after christmas! That's right, the day after Christmas, and I finally have all of my presents, and I got yet more nice, fun erotic presents from the boyfriend last night, which I will not go into massive amounts of detail here, but anyone that knows my handcuffs fetish will have a pretty good idea of how that all panned out for me! Just know that I had far too much fun for my own good, and that if I get more Christmas presents of the sort, I will possibly explode.
Worked today. We pulled $20000, which is amazing for our store, we never usually make $10000, so life is good. I got my $50 coles myer voucher from work, so I don't know what to spend it. Knowng me, more thank likely clothes or a handbag, because I'm a total and utter obssessive compulsive person when it comes to my wardrobe and accessories. Can you blame me?! Clothing is good! Clothes are good! And that is all that I have to say about that.
I have been dragged into going to Convention on Tuesday and to the Ball later in the week. Kyran wants to dance with me. It was quite cute. It's an onrunning joke you see, AGES ago when we were talking, dancing came up, and I said that I don't dance, and so ever since then he has been asking me to dance with him constantly. I figure that if I give in at a Mormon function, life will be good, and no one will get angry at me, because you know, mormons!
Anyhow, dinner time for me.
Love to all.
It's Christmas Day! Christmas Day! YAY!
I just felt the need to share that tid bit of information with everyone before I started going into details! I have watched the entire first season of 'Sex and the City' today, which is almost depressing, but that is what you get when you get the Shoebox for Christmas! *squeals* I got the Shoebox for Christmas! I got that, an uber cute bag, which costs a freaking fortune, more than I would ever pay for a bag anyhow, U2's new CD, some new pjs, and 5 driving lessons. i also got the nicest little ring from Mr Perfect, who knows how to get everything! lol. It was a claddagh ring to replace the one that I lost a few months ago. Coming from an Irish family and all, I've actually had one since I was like, 10 or 11 or something stupid like that! But yeah, I lost the one that I had a couple of months ago, and he bought me a new one for Christmas! So cool! He also got me some other things that are probably best not mentioned here. *snickers* Just know that last night was a lot of fun (after mindnight of course. LOL!).
I went to Becky's place yesterday afternoon for their Christmas party, which was awesome fun. We jumped in the pool, had a BBQ, that sort of thing, it was awesome. Then myself, Chris, Kevin and Becky watched 'Doppleganger' (a movie that Brookey and Chy made for Becky's 18th birthday) and 'Sinbad'. I also found out that Kevin has a girlfriend! I was in shock! As if Kevin has a girlfriend! He is short and abnormally hairy (and coming from the girl dating someone not-exactly-tall and rather hairy, this is a little worrying). And, you know, heis a bit of an arsehole. It takes all kinds I suppose, but I never saw him gettnig a girlfriend before Becky got a boyfriend.
Becky's problem is that she needs to stop being friends with guys. She gives off the 'you want to be my best friend' kind of vibe, and it had resulted in all the guys she likes deciding that she would be a better friend than girlfriend. I don't know, I am no master at guy logic, but I do hasve a rather long track record of guys, and once they decide that you're a friend, that is all you will ever be. She just needs to be more confident in herself. She's a pretty girl, but she just doesn't put in the time or effort to make herself even prettier. Honestly, she'd be a knockout if only she gave it a little. I mean, come on, she is sweet, nice, talkative, really smart and pretty, what more does a guy want!? *rolls eyes* Stupid mormon boys.
I got two new T-shirts yesterday, both pink with white lettering. One reads 'Love the OC' and the other 'Paris for president'. So cool. I have a thing for shirts with little slogans on them lately, I blame Britney entirely. Damn trendsetters. I suppose it is all good though, I look cute in the shirts. About 90% of all the weight I lost came off either my stomach or my thighs (which shocked me) and my boobs have stayed the same size. So now I have a REALLY nice stomach and big boobs... how can I go wrong!?
The depression thing has been going well lately. Mr Perfect hasn't been letting me out of his sight, and if he has, he has made certain that I am constantly surrounded by people so that nothing goes wrong. He has spoken to my family, so I'm never alone at home anymore, not until it's official that things are okay in my head. I've been hanging around with Becky a lot lately, mostly becase she doesn't treat me like the freak that tried to kill myself numerous times. Everyone else treats me very carefull, because they're scared anything that they say could have me in the bathroom slashing at my wrists. Not true by the way. Nothing anyone says to me can make that happen. It just happens when something clicks in my head and reminds me of what has gone on, brings back those feelings of inadequecy. And when those feelings are coming, nothing si going to stop it, I just need someone to stay with me so that I don't do anything that I might regret later (if I live to see later). But I'm getting there, things are really good at the moment, I'm actually happy for once, no lingering thoughts of bad things, nothing to pressure me. Life is going well!
Anyhow, Merry Christmas everyone!
Love to all.
So it is 7:11 in the morning, and I am writing in my blog, does anyone else find that rather depressing? There is a justifiable reason for it though. I had to go to the airport. Joshua has finally gone on his mission. I'm going to miss him so much, heck, I even cried. He was so cool, and he's going to miss the third Star Wars movie! (for Ua, that is a huge thing, trust me!) I still cannot believe that I cried, I really and truly didn't think that I would. Even though I adore the guy and we were pretty good friends, I didn't consider that I was close enough to be crying when he left! We all gave him a 'little black book' with letters from all of us in it and our addresses so that he can write to us when he gets to New Zealand (promptly followed by Brisbane). We also gave him some little Missionary Men, which we made in the car. Jess cut them out at work the day before and we coloured them in on the way there. They're so cute!
But yes, I had to get up at 3:30 this morning to get ready by 4:45 so that Jess and Becky could pick me up and we could be at the airport by 5:20. I went to bed at 12:30, so yeah, kinda running on 3 hours of sleep at the moment, which just isn't good. I am thinking to take a nap before I go to work. Naps are goooooooooood.
On Tuesday night we had Joshua's farewell party, which was a lot of fun actually. I got dropped off there (because I'm not allowed to be by myself at the moment and all, I have to be driven everywhere) and we brought food and drink and all sorts of nifty things. We watched the version of The Matrix that Kyle, Joshua and Brad had written, which was so very, very cool. It's always funny to see your friends standing on the roof of a moving car having a fight! We couldn't help but laugh and smile and generally be happy about the whole thing. I spent most of the night talking to Kyran, who came and sat down next to me while we were watching the movie and started poking me. So of course that turned into a two hour conversation. I also spent a tonne of time with Ua, given that he was the dude going away.
So all in all it has been a good few days. Busy as all hell, but good fun. Between work, farewell parties and sleeping, I have had virtually no time. But at the same time, at least it has been keeping me from going off my rocker again! Anyhow, I'm going to go and get some sleep....
Love to all, miss you heaps already Joshie! *hugs Ua*
Today was interesting to say the least. An up and down day where nothing and everything seem to make sense at once. I skipped from happy and cheery to downright depressed and awful on and off during the day, it was worst just after I got home from work, but I will explain that in a little bit. First up I need to type a few things so that they will be publised for the whole wide interenet to see. I know that the person that they are meant to be for will never read these words, because, you know, doesn't really know and/or care for the internet. So, here goes.
I love you. I have loved you for so long, and I have never stopped. I have never been able to. No matter how bad everyone says that you are for me, you are the only person that has ever made me truly happy with everything in my life. You are the only person in the world that I could ever want to be with, the only person that it makes sense for me to be with. You have saved me so many times that I have lost count. You have pulled me back when I have gone into places that I shouldn't have. You have stood by me, listened to me and tried to help me even in the darkest times of my life. I am nothing without the strength that you give me. I love you, and always will.
And now that I have said that, I suppose I should get back to the issue at hand, the one where I did it again. I did that thing where I hit a point. I hit it and I just went off the wall. I just got off the bus, walked into the house, went to the medicine cabinet, took whatever I could find and started to put it down my throat. I just wasn't myself, it was like I was there but I wasn't. It hasn't happened in so long, and I have no idea what happened to trigger that kind of behaviour in me. I was supposed to get home at 4, and Lachie was supposed to be picking me up at 4:15. I got home at 4:10, and he showed up right on time. He walked in (because he has a key, which I gave him and haven't told my folks about), right in the middle of my lets-take-as-many-pills-as-I-can-get-into-my-system-athon. The next couple of minutes is a bit of a blur, all I know is that I ended up over the toilet throwing up everything in my stmoach. I was lucky. He took me to the hospital straight afterwards to make sure that everything was okay, which it is. I was lucky. Really lucky.
I have an appointment with a doctor in a couple of days, and Mr Perfect is staying with me. He doesn't want me left alone at all until I go to the doctors. When I had to go to the hospital for the overnighter, they kind of assumed that I took an action that I shouldn't have, that it was an accident or something. But I keep slipping back into this twisted pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and I can see why it is worrying him so much. I am pertrifried of it myself, and I want it to stop. I want to understand why I keep on trying to destroy myself. I don't want to die. Everyone that knows me knows that I love being alive far too much to want to kill myself. But for some reason it keeps on happening, and I need it to stop. I need it to stop now.
So yeah, the next few days might be interesting. I just need to be around people, constantly. My parents don't know about this afternoon. Hopefully they won't find out... I cannot help but feel that they would be disappointed in me. They know I'm stronger than I have been. Hell, even I know that I am stronger than I have been. I just need to start showing it. I have made it this far, I can make it further if I keep on pushing myself to do it.
Love to all
I hate stupid people.
I hate stupid people.
I hate stupid people.
You think if I say it enough they will maybe go away? Stupid people piss me off more than anything else in the world, and it seems as though work was full of them today. And you know, Christmas trading being what it is, it was stressful enough without having to put up with a bucnh of dickweeds that walk into the store, acting like they know everything about cars and then asking me what fucking oil filter suits their vehicle. There is a book that gives every fucking model of car and the oil filter suitable... LEARN TO FUCKING READ! Honestly, the laziness of some of these people is incredible. They're willing to stand there looking like a doped up fish while someone scrolls down the list for the, but fucked if they could do it themselves. God it pisses me off.
I got Mr Perfect to come and pick me up from work, just because I really, really, really, really, really needed a hug. I think I might have cried when I got it. I have started crying when I get stressed, and I just needed that hug so very, very much. Everything goes away when he hugs me, everything just ceases to exist, and that is just what I need at the moment. I need things to just go away and not be making me think. Thinking I have discovered, is the enemy. When I think about things, I overanalyse them, and it sends me spiralling into the not-so-good place where I try and swallow razor blades. Aparently I just have to find a way to turn that part of my brain off, so to speak. I need to teach myself to stop thinking things over so much that it drives me insane. I have it in me to get there, but it is a matter of not slashing at my wrists in the mean time, which has proven to be a fun task. I know that my issues are cureable, buecause I can admit that I have them. And that is the first step right?
I am happy at the moment though. Really happy. Things are looking up again, which can only be a good thing! And only 6 days till Christmas! So excited! I get Sex and the City Shoebox, really nice bag worth like uber big amounts of money, PJs and the new U2 CD. I'm psyched for it! And I got everyone else really nice presents, so Christmas is going to be totally and utterly awesome!
Had my work Xmas party last night, which was interesting. I haven't had any alcohol since July, and lets just say that I got a little bit tipsy. Not enough that I was loud, verbose and generally obnoxious to everyone around me, but enough that I was very happy and sometimes had trouble standing up without being really dizzy. However, I managed to stay on my feet and didn't make an idiot of myself. So I officially declared the night a success! Yay! And the potato salad was just so good. LB and WR were there too, being all coupley. They 'came out' you see, after LB moved back to another store. They're moving in together in a couple of weeks, which is pretty exciting, it's a nice house too. REALLY nice. I went and had a look at it with LB the other day, totally gorgeous and near the beach too.
Anyhow, I think I am done for the time being. Nothing interesting is happening and I have to call up the mormons and organise Ua's farewell party on Tuesday.
I got my L's! I got my L's! I can now learn to drive! Sure, it's a little sad that I am 19 and I only just got my Learner's Permit, but that is not the point, the point is that I went in there and GOT IT (the first time around too, which is no mean feat! It's a hard test)! Well, really, the reason that I got it the first time around was because when I went and handed it to the guy, the pointed out one that I had gotten wrong in the section that you're not supposed to get anything wrong in and said "You might want to check that one" and so I did, and realised it was wrong and changed it so that I got it right.
I love that guy. I nearly hugged him, because everything else was fine, and if I bummed on ONE question, I was going to scream. So I have my L's now, and can start taking driving lessons, which is just plain awesome! So now I have a car, and am legally allowed to drive it! Things are looking up for me!
And, on a side note, I didn't mean you Skids! Honest! I meant someone else, someone that isn't at SoV. But if you want to push me into posting some more, give it a shot... I dare you. ;) *hugs* I still love ya sweetie.
And now onto today, which was a very hot day filled with bus rides and music blaring into my ears. I think that was most of the day actually. I woke up at 9:30, had a shower, caught a bus at 10:30, which took me into town. Got into town at 11:30, went to the uni there and managed to convince them that I didn't owe them $40 in student fees because a) don't go to that uni, and b) I withdrew in August. Eventually they believed me which was nice, but I don't think that they were too happy about the whole thing. Last time I cross-institutional study. Except for next year when I start doing Japanese. Stupid Japanese.
So I walked down North Terrace till I got to Parliament House and then went to find a bus to take me to the Motor Registry near me. I only had to wait for about 10 minutes, and so at 11:58 I boarded a bus to where I needed to go, that got me there at 12:50. I get off the aforementioned bus and head over to the Motor Registry, where I got my L's and promptly squealed like a little girl on the phone to virtually everyone that I knew, and then went aross the street to work, where I squealed to them as well and got my L Plates. Yay me!
By the time I had done that, I had missed the 2:30 bus home by about 2 minutes, so I hopped on a loop bus that took me to MY university, which I got to at about 3:00. I quickly ducked in and dropped off my enrolment forms for next year so I can get back to the uni-fun that I have been missing so much. In the mean time I was getting angry because my phone was going off every five minutes ebcause the people I had messaged to tell them I got my L's all started to message me back. Then I jumped on the 3:17 bus home, and got home at 4. And that has been my day. Couple that with a 38C degree day (100F), and you have a very hot, very tired and very dehydrated Kimmy. But I got everything done that needed to be done, so all is good. *hugs everyone* I feel like hugging people.
Love to all.
Next person to pressure me into doing anything gets their head ripped off. Pressure me to post anywhere, I'll rip your head off, pressure me to do a fucking character sig for you, and I'll rip your head off. That is all. I'm stroppy. Because yes, I hate it. I hate it when I am trying to have a normal conversation with someone and they harp on saying 'When are you going to post?', 'Are you reading the posts yet?', or the worst one, after I have actually already posted and don't want to do it again, 'Can you reply?'. So from now on, anyone that pressures me to post in a thread will deal with evil bitch Kimmy. I'm taking time out of my life to do all of this, and if I cannot do it as often as other people want, that is their problem. I just don't like being ordered around, especially when I have given warning that I won't be around much, because I have a lot of personal things to go through myself.
I don't know, I suppose it is just people being selfish, like I am being selfish by telling everyone to back the hell off. People are by nature selfish beings, and that is fine, but frankly my I-starve-myself-and-have-tried-to-off-myself-numerous-times issues take more priority to me than someone else's wanting to write a reply to something that I have written. Is that such a crime? I think not.
I just thought that I would warn everyone that now is not a good time to mess with me. I woke up feeling a little bit on edge today. Thankfully I had a certain person there to calm me down a little. I don't know why I woke up so angry, I just did. I'm feeling really on edge at the moment. It's funny, though probably left over from my recent spat of mental episodes. But yes, just a warning to anyone that tries anything on me... I am ready and willing to tear your face off.
Today is my rant day. I just felt the need to rant about things, to get angry about things, and to get them off my chest, without naming names of course, but I'm pretty sure that the people I am talking about will know who they are. I don't think I'm good at being cryptic, and because of that, I have to be good at confrontation, because that inevitably results from inability to hide things. I don't mind, I like confrontation. In my eyes it is the best way to work out anything, just confront the issue at hand and sort it out. Just tackle the damn thing. It doesn't need to be a monster, you just have to take it one step at a time. That is what I have been trying to do myself, tackle eveything one step at a time, and some people cannot seem to see it.
One thing I am sick of is people turning around and saying "I know exactly how you feel" or "If you want to talk, talk to me". First and foremost I understand that these people are trying to make me feel better, but telling me that they knew exactly how I feel is not how to do it. They don't know how I feel because they're not me. They have not lived my life, they are not me, so they cannot possibly know how things affect me. They can only know how they would feel in my position. And secondly, if I wanted to talk to that person in particular, I would be doing it. I do not have a problem asking for help anymore, not when it comes to this sort of thing. I know I need help, and have been for the past month and a half. But I also know who to go to for help. I know who will be there for me.
Just to inject some love into this entry, because writing that made me think about the nice peoplpe that have been helping me out, that have been there to listen to me rant and rave and just go off my nutter in the past month and a half. *hugs them all* But, of course, I have to say special thankee to Lara and Summer, I couldn't have done it without you girls, you both rock, and I'm enternally thankful to know you both, even though I don't say it anywhere near enough. You might not know it, but honestly, I have spoken to you both when I have just felt like doing some awful things to myself, and just being able to talk to either of you and just have a normal conversation has helped beyond measure. You ladies have kept me sane and I'd hate to even think of what I could have done if you weren't there. More than likely I owe you both more than I can ever repay. Love you both.
Anyhow, I'm done now, so love to all except those tha try to make me do things I don't want to!
Got a new toy on my blog! Yay me! It's a comment thingo. You just click on the thing that says 'comment' and you get to comment! Everyone must use this new feature, because if you don't, I will hunt you down, and you know that I know where you live... so there you go. I spent an hour playing with it, and I am still not happy with it, but at least it is there. I will toy with it more later.
Hrm, talking to Dolly at the moment, something that I haven't done in far too long. It is nice to talk to her. It is good to know that she is going well, and her and her girlfriend look so cute together! And she is prolly a little too worried about me for her own good. But then again, everyone seems to be getting more worried about me now than they were when I was actually going off my nut. I suppose it was expected when I was going crazy, but now that I am through all of that, a lot of the habits I picked up are sticking around, and it really isn't good. A lot of my weight loss has actually been really recently.
I'm trying to sort out Joshua's farewell party at the moment, everyone is going away. Joshua is going to Brisbane for 2 years, Kyle is going to Hiroshima for 2 years, and Brad has already gone to Samoa! It's crazy stuff. Crazy. Makes me want to cry almost. I'm going to miss them like crazy. 2 years! And it is going to be so hard to keep in contact with them too. Because they're going on their missions, they cannot use telephones, use email, nothing like that. They can only write letters. I am determined that I will keep in contact with them though. They're the best. *hugs them all*
And now it is lyrics fun time, this song is one that constantly reminds me of the last time Mr Perfect and I broke up. It's a gorgeous song, I love it to itty bitty little peices. And, really, turns out that after all of that, we ended up back togather anyhow. Sometimes life does turn out for the best!!
10 Days - Missy Higgins
So we've put an end to it this time,
I'm no longer yours and your no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far to steep,
If I'm not even sure
Its me you wanna keep
And its been 10 days without you in my reach
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep
But time has changed
Nothing at all
You 're still the only one that feels like home
I tried cutting the ropes
And I let you go,
But you're still the only one that feels like home.
You won't talk me into it next time
If I'm going away
Your hearts coming too
Cos I miss your hands I miss your face
When I get back lets disappear without a trace
Cos its been 10 days without you in my reach
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep
But time has changed
Nothing at all
You're still the only one that feels like home
Tried cutting the ropes
Tried letting you go,
But you're still the only one that feels like home.
So tell me did you really think
Ahh, tell me did you really think I had gone
When you couldn't see me anymore
When you couldn't.
(instrumental)
Cos baby time has changed nothing at all
you're still the only one that feels like home
And oh I tried cutting the ropes
I let you go
Butyou're still the only one that feels like home
Yeah you're still the only one that feels like home
You're still the only one I've got alone
Ohh yeah, yeah yeah yeah...
He's back! He's back! He's back! *grins*
That is my happy news for the day! The uber bestest person in the world has come back to me after one and a half weeks of him not being here. He's sleeping at the moment, obviously, I mean, long fluight, time znoe changes and all that, he is very tired, but I am just happy to have him back. I was bouncing around like nothing else at the airport, waiting for him to arrive. It was starting to get hard without him there, telling me what was right. I admit that lately I have sort of been having trouble keeping track of what is right and what is wrong. I am getting caught up in a train of thought, and cannot seem to see outside it, which is worrying, because I know that it isn't how things are supposed to be.
I haven't put any of the weight that I lost back on, which is also worrying me a little bit. I have been starting to eat properly again, but even so, I am not eating as much of it as I used to. Back at the end of October I weighed in at 68kgs (149.6 lbs), now, in the middle of December, I weigh 50kg (110 lbs). I have lost 18kg (39.6lbs) in a month and a half, and it isn't coming back. I don't know where it all went, all I know is that now I can see my ribs through my fucking back, and it's killing me. I want to be back to the normal Kimmy. I just went onto some site to calculate my BMI, and it is fucking 16.3. Normal is supposed to be anywhere between 18 and 25. Lachie saw me today and went ape. I've lost a few more kilos since he has been gone, and he noticed it instantly. First thing he had me do was eat something in front of him so that he knew I was actually making an effort.
But yes, my weight is the main thing that is bothering me today. Everything else is good. Went to the airport, got my boyfriend, took him home, and he has been sleeping ever since. Butthole.
*hugs Lara* You didn't do anything wrong sweetie! You never ever do. I love ya to itty bitty peices, and I'm sure that everything will turn out for the best. And you know that if anything gets stressful or anything of the sort, you can just call me, and I'll talk to you. I always will. A-L-W-A-Y-S. Even if I'm at work, or having sex with Lachie... or anything else, I will stop and make a point of either calling you back within 5 minutes or talking to you at that moment. *hugs* Love ya sweetie!
Lifeline - Brooke Fraser
I have this sinking feeling
Something's weighing me down
I am completely saturated
The waves are crashing closer
My feet already drowned
Doing the thing I said I hated
They've been swimming in the wrong water
Now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know that you'll lift me out
Have your way here
Keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without you
Take this ocean of pain that is mine
Throw me a lifeline
Wake up feeling convicted
I know something's not right
Re-acquaint my knees with the carpet
I have to get this out
'Cos it's obstructing you and I
Dry up the seas that keep us parted
'Cos they've been swimming in the wrong waters
And now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know that you are gonna pull me out
Have your way here
Keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without you
Take this ocean of pain that is mine
Throw me a lifeline
They've been swimming in the wrong waters
And now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know, 'cos I know
That you'll have your way here
Keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without you
Take this ocean of pain that is mine
Throw me a lifeline
Ah! I think I have found my new musical obssession! It goes by the name of Bond. So cool. Who would have thought that violins could be so cool? Nope, I am very much a happy girl... finally impulse purchasing has paid off! Actually, I like, impulse purchasing has always been fun, it's just more fun when you find something that you really REALLY like, and never knew it. I also bought the cutest photo frame ever, and a cute pink shirt with 'I ran into my ex boyfriend, so I put it in reverse and hit him again' in white lettering. I love that shirt. If I ever see Russell again, I hope that I am wearing it at the time.
I miss Mr Perfect dammit! I want him back home with me, where he is supposed to be, not roaming around some foreign country where he is doubtlessly being hit on by numerous women who all think he is just the sexiest man alive (alright, maybe that is just me). And I'll bet any amount of money that they'll think he is single because he doesn't have a girl with him at the time, so they won't stop hitting on him until he puts them on the phone to me and gets me to tellthem to buzz off... and even then they won't give up, because they will think that our relationship is in dire straits because I'm not there with him...
And now I need to stop my imagination going out of control. Because really, let's face it, nothing bad is going to happen. He is a grown man, someone that can look after himself and not have to worry about having hundreds of girls lining up to hit on him. And besides, if I were to be totally honest, I would have to admit that he isn't the best looking guy ever. But dammit, he is my guy, and he is the sexiest guy in the world to me, so screw everyone else! That's right, I'm feeling strong and empowered today, so if I say my boyfriend is the sexiest man alive, then he is and nothing can change that!
I got a new bag for school next year. I'm so psyched to be giong back, I have missed it so much in the past 6 months. I didn't know that you could miss school, but there you go, you can! I'm hopefully going to be enrolling to do Japanese and Politics, which will be awesome. I just want to get back to the learning thing, I miss it. It is all a big part of my getting on with life plan. I need to get on with life, life is good, and I don't want to miss it because I'm too fucking depressed to do anything about it. It is time for me to create new memories so that I can get rid of the old ones. Is that such a bad thing!? I think not. After all, these old memories are driving me insane.
*sighs* Anyhow, I had best be off, things to do, that kind of thing. Oh, and beofre I do go, everyone see 'Finding Neverland', it is an amazing movie.
Love to all.
Okay, so I haven't updated in a while, things have been a little bit hectic in the past couple of days. I've been working lots, which has been so full on that it is almost insane. But yes, life has been good. And I have nothing at all to type in here... aside from me not having to worry about the trauma of certain people making my life a living hell... yeah, life is good at the moment! I'll edit this later and give a more full update on the life of me. lol.
Fancy having the hide to call me up and have a go at me because my ex boyfriend cannot keep his dick in his pants. Maybe the little bitch should ahve thought about all of this before she fucked the guy I was dating. Needless to say tha I wiped the floor with her quite convincingly when she tried to have a go. One would have thought that after knowing me for, oh, I don't know, 6 years, she would have figured out by now that there is a reason no one ever fucks with me. Russell, well, I can forgive him for not knowing how badly I could fuck him up, but that little cow... she should have known better.
He told her everything today, like I told him to. Better to have everything out in the open so that people can make their own judgements than keep secrets. He knew how it would end if he did. He screwed himself by screwing me, and he thinks I didn't know that when I let him fuck me that one time after we broke up? What does he think I am? Stupid? I'm far from stupid, I'm the one girl that he should have thought twice about before screwing me into the ground, because I'm the only girl he'll ever meet that doesn't care about what I do to make him pay for it.
I had nothing left ot lose in this situation, and really the only thing that I feel now that the two of them are well and truly out of my life is relief. I am relieved that I don't have to listen to him tell me how much he loves her and wants to be with her, I don't have to listen to her rabble on about how things are so confusing and she feels so awful about what she has done. I'm done. I'm sick of this shit, and I'm so glad it's finally over. I can finally go back to the life that I had before I met him, the life she wasn't in, and the life that I was happy in. And even though I know it is wrong, I am kind of glad that I have fucked up his life as much as he fucked up mine.
Maybe he'll think twice before he tries to screw someone over next time.
So he wasn't just fucking drunk, because I kept getting messages. It's almost worrying. I don't know I think I am beginning to regret calling him. But at the same time, you know, I really should ahve expected it. That is just who he is. He sent me one last night saying 'How was the shower last nite? Did u think of me?', to which I was thinking Why yes, I was, because I thought you were FUCKING STALKING ME!! So yes, that was lots and lots of fun. But you know, I can deal with him, I have dealt with him in the past, and I will continue to do so. One of my friends, Lauren, was getting concerned about the whole thing, but I told her that I know this guy. I know him very fucking well. There isn't a move he can make without me kinda expecting it. So you know, all is good.
Listening to "Tilt ya head back" by Xtina and Nelly, such a good song. I recommend it to all of my friends. Everyone must love this song. It is a very groovy song, and if everyone doesn't love it, I have permission to kill them. And now the song is different. Now it is "Pointless Relationship" by Tammin Sursock. I am almost ashamed to be listening to it, but it is so good. It's odd really. I'VE BECOME PREPPY!!! Okay, so maybe I was always a little bit on the preppy side, I mean, have you ever met my boyfriend!? He is the ultimate sign of my preppiness! Naw, seriously though, it's all good. I'm quite happy at the moment. Things are looking pretty good, and if I'm happy, but preppy, then so be it. I can handle that. It happens. People that hate people just because they're preppy pisses me off. I am so incredibly over that High School Clique bullshit, because let's face it, we all end up the same anyway, we all grow up, have careers, have families, find people that we want to spend the rest of our lives with, die and get put in the ground. It's all the same in the end. No one is going to write on my gravestone Kimmy/ 1985-2067/ She was really preppy So really, who cares? It's so pointless.
*growls* I think I just hate most things today. I woke up pretty fucking irritable, as you can tell by my overuse of the word fuck. I hate being kept up late at night by messages every five or ten minutes, it shits me to no end.
Russell isn't leaving me alone as well. I don't know why, he seems to really like the idea that even though he's over me, I'm still pining away for him. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. I got stuck into him yesterday in a huge way, made certain he knew damn sure that if he wanted me to be a bitch, then that was what I would be. No one fucks with me as much as he has and gets away with it. If he wanted a bitch, he got one, because i'm going to fucking well bring him down faster than he knew what hit him. Because you know, that is what I'm good at. And I am more than fucking willing to show him why the saying 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' is the most truthful statement ever made.
I am seriously starting to think that I am giving out a slut vibe, or a 'my boyfriend's out of the country, come fuck me' vibe. It's worrying. Why do I say this? Because I got a tonne of messages from Sam last night ( I really hope he was drunk or something) and this is how some of them went. Take note that I in no way let him think I wanted to fuck him. *nods*
'Hay kim what u doing im lying in bed abit horny how about u'
'i could have fun in ur body or with it'
'u were always cute, not one to brake the rules tho' (yeah, he works with cars, so naturally the only way to spell break is brake.)
'dont get 2 wet thinkin about wat we could b doing'
Yep, so there you go, that was certainly interesting, and certainly something I didn't see coming. I suppose I should have, I called him earlier today and spoke to him a bit. It's been a while since I have seen him, and I caught him up on the Russell thing and all that, but bloody hell, I didn't expect him to try and get in my pants. He has before, but I really didn't see it coming. Every other time I have, because that is what he does, regardless of whether I'm in a relationship or not. He's in an open relationship at the moment, so I suppose it's all very different for him.
Well, there you go, hat is me sufficiently creeped out, and thinking I am giving out slut vibe.
I told him to get the hell out of my life today. I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him ever again. I told him to get out and stay out. I am sick and tired of offering him chances to be a good person and having him fuck it up, and then offering him more. I am not strong enough at the moment to handle any more of this, especially not with the wonderful L-man gone. He is my rock at the moment, and without him, I have got to do what I have got to do to in order to survive. And at the moment, that includes getting him out of my life for good.
I look back at myself less than a month ago, and I was a wreck. I was starving myself, I was cutting my wrists, I wanted to swallow razor blades. Thing is, and this is where it's remarkable. The reason I was doing it all was to get someone to tell me to stop. I wanted someone to tell me that they loved me, to tell me that they wouldn't be able to live without me. I was trying to kill myself as a way to finally get people to notice me. Everyone left me alone because I'm supposed to be the strong one, the one that can handle everything. I'm not that person, and the only person that saw that was the one guy that saved me. I owe my life to him, because I don't even want to think about how far I would have gone. The post is there. I was going to kill myself, I had every intention of going home after work that day and swallowing those razor blades.
But then he came and picked me up. Like when I cut my wrists, he called me and got to me in time. It makes me think sometimes, wonder if there really is someone or something up there watching out for me, making sure that everything turns out okay. Makes me wonder if someone is sending you a sign, telling you that this is the person that is always going to be there. This is the person that I should try and make things work with. Since we were 16, we've been a massive chunk of each other's lives, from the very moment I said "shut up you fucking asshole" that day on the plane.
So maybe there is such thing as fate. I don't know. I never believed that there could possibly be till recently. Everything that has happened seems to point to something a little bit bigger than me puling strings. Those two close calls mostly. It just seems funny to me that the two moments I needed someone more than anyone else in the world, he called. He has always been there, everytime I have ever run into trouble, and I have been there whenever he has.
So maybe there is such a thing as fate. Maybe this is a guy that I was meant to be with in one way or another. Who knows. It's all very up in the air at the moment, I don't know what I am meant to be doing, who I am meant to be with, how life is supposed to be turning out. All I know is that wherever the fuck I was a month ago, I don't ever want to go back there, and L-man seems to be the one to take me away from it all. That is all.
So I get a phone call this morning, really early, from a certain someone saying "Guess where I am!?" It took me a moment to gasther myself, after all, it was really and truly some kind of ungodly hours considering that today is one of my days off. I sorted of mumbled a little bit before saying "huh?". The words were repeated and I told that certain someone that is over in Bali at the moment to go away and let me sleep. So of course, he just passed me onto his friends, who made even more noise and woke me up even more. Bastard.
After a few minutes though, I realised that at least he had kept his promise and called me. It made me feel a lot better. I told him everything that has been going on since he left. As soon as he heard about what Russell tried to do, he instantly volunteered to come back as soon as humanly possible and wipe the floor with him, to which I told him that the arse-kicking can wait till he comes home. He amde me promise that I wouldn't go near Russell with a ten-foot flag pole, which I didn't in the first place, so it wasn't a big deal!
I ended up getting up, having a shower and then getting dressed, because, you know, I could. It's what I do, sometimes I get clean, sometimes I get dressed even! It's this remarkable skill that I have. It amazes everyone.
I'm getting really worried about Brooke. By the sounds of things, she is headed towards that place that I was in not so long ago, and that isn't something that I want for her. She deserves better than that. She is such a lovely, caring person, and I want so much better for her. Every single time something has happened for me, she has tried to support me and be there for me, and that means so much to me. She didn't know about the whole episode with my desperate desire to off myself, I have this 'hiding my pain' thing happening.
Anyhow, dinner now
Love to all
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*cries* He's gone! Mr Perfect is gone! How am I suppose to swoon over someone when he is gone!? It's just not right. I did actually cry, I knew I would, when it comes to him, how could I not? Feelings aren't fun anymore. I should get rid of them. They should just be gone. Feelings make everything more complex, and harder to figure out than I could ever imagine.
I saw Russell today, and am now damn certain that I don't want anything to do with him ever again. I thought that trying to be his friend would work outm I really and truly did, but after seeing him today, and being there when he tried to kiss me, and tried to fuck me... there is no way come hell or high water I'm ever having anything to do with him ever. He knows that I am with someone, someone that I care about deeply. And yet he doesn't seem to care about that. He just wants to fuck me.
He found out from a friend of mine that Lachie was going away, which is why he decided that we needed to meet up to 'talk'. I'm offended at the very idea that he thinks he could possibly even have me think of having sex with him. I would rather rot. It's disgusting. Even though he keeps talking about how sorry he is, and how he wants to change, he isn't going to change one little bit, ever. He's always going to be that fucked up loser that I thought I was in love with. Truth be told, I wasn't even ever close to loving him, I was in love with the person that he pretended to be, and that person never existed.
So there you go, my visit with Russell was totally foul, and I want nothing more than to beat the living crap out of him.
We had to call the police at work today, there was a guy hitting his son, and yeah, police were needed. That was interesting. Lots of stress and all that. But yes, interesting none the same. Work is really quite good at the moment, I don't actually mind it. ut yeah, other than all that, nothing interesting is happening in my life.
I need a life. lol.
So what do I do when I get bored and am currently pissing self about Mr Perfect (That is the perfect nickname for him. He will be Mr Perfect for life now!) going to Bali? I make buttons! People can link me through buttons now! YAY! :D I also add myself to fanlistings and all that! :D Life is good!
He makes me want to kill myself! Not in that way luckily. Because, you know, I'm getting over that, but the guy just makes me want to shot something, and since I'm not huge on shooting other people, myself will have to do. I had an arguement with him today, because I told him if he even wants to try and be friends with me, he can see me from 5:30 till 7:30 tomorrow, and only then. I also told him that if he really wanted to be friends, he would make that time work no matter what. Personally, I think I am being pretty good about the whole thing. I am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off, and that I would rather shoot myself in the stomach than lay eyes on him again.
So I get a message back saying 'well don't you think you're being a little rude?'. I'M BEING A LITTLE RUDE!? HE FUCKING WELL FUCKED HIS EX! hOW MUCH RUDER CAN YOU GET!? Needless to say my anger go the better of me, and I went totally and utterly apeshit at him. I just didn't get it, no way he can tell me I'm being rude. So I called him, yelled a bit, made him cry, the usual (I have found I have a talent for making people cry. This power shall only be used for good). It just annoys me that he can be so inconsiderate. I told him that if he doesn't make it work, It'll cost him any chance that he will ever have of my friendship. He made it work, so that is okay.
*cries* Mr Perfect is going to Bali tomorrow. Not fair.
Anyhow, I think I wanted to vent today. I have now acheieved that. Snaps to me
And I'm spent.
I'm tired, I'm bored, and I want to shoot something. Because, you know, shooting things is healthy. Yeeeeeeeeeees, very healthy indeed. (I'm feeling a little bit odd today) I want to write a long entry, but truth be told I have no idea what to write about.
Broooke and all them had their formal last night, I was jealous. I remember my formal this time last year... actually, seeing as it is the third, it was exactly this time last year! Right at this very moment I was sitting in Lachie's car on the way to formal! I am almost tempted to show off some of my formal photos from last year, but I will refrain, because, you know, that was last year, and no one is really interested! It was an awfully fun night, and I'm getting all nostalgic about it now! LOL! Then again, I get nostalgic about everything, so that shouldn't really be that much of a shock.
Things have changed a helluva lot in a year though, it's almost incredible to even think about it. I'm a totally different person to who I was 365 days ago. I mean, regardless of the nervous breakdown and the attempted suicides (note how casually I mention them now!) I have grown up so much in the past year, and so rapidly too. I know that it is because of Russell that I have had to grown up, everything that we ever did together was more fo a grown-up sort of thing than anything I ever had before. The things he dealt with, I ended up having to deal with in some way, and it has made me change. I have been completely blown to pieces. In fact, I'm willing to say that I am totally different to the person that I was 5 weeks ago. I'm constantly changing into something else, and it is worrying, but it's comforting, ebcause I know that in the end, while I may lose my innocence and naivity, I'll become a strong, powerful human being.
I don't know, I just don't know anything anymore. I had a phone conversation with Russell last night, trying to work through some of the things that have happened between us. I peronally don't see the point of it all, he doesn't know the first thing about what he has done to me, about how he has had such a huge role in what hapened to me. I would have done anything for him, and he turned around and did what he did to me. Someone that I loved, someone that I cared about and trusted with everything that I am, did what he did. I gave him everything, and he might as well have spat on me and told me that none of it was ever good enough. Try explaining that to someone. Try telling someone that they did this to you. I tried to explain it last night, and all it did was cause yet another breakdown on his part I don't understand why he's the one going on about how much this has hurt him, how he didn't know what he was doing. I always thought it was pretty obvious when you were shoving your dick inside two different people at once, but then again, I'm not a guy, so I might be wrong.
I haven't had sex at all since I broke up with him. I'm in a sexless relationship at the moment, and you know something weird? I actually don't mind! It's been something like 7 weeks, and I actually do not mind that I haven't had sex in that amount of time! It's almost strange. I don't know, at the moment I almost feel like it's best for me to not even think about sex. Sex to me, means trust. I have enough trouble trusting people as it is without what has happened recently, I'm just not ready to be close to anyone at the moment. And while I am closer to Lachie than I have been anyone in my whole life, and always have been, right now I don't think I want that kind of closeness.
*sighs* Well, One Tree Hill is a crappy program. No one should watch it... the whole show is just.... yeah, never going to watch it again. It's like it wants to be The OC without Ben Mackenzie, Mischa Barton, Adam Brody, Rachel Bilson and Peter Gallagher. It just cannot happen. *nods wisely*
I get half the day off tomorrow to help Mr S.O pack. It's all very sad. I really don't want him to go, but I don't really have much choice in the matter. I'm going to miss him like crazy, just not cuddling him is going to drive me totally and utterly bonkers. *growls* I miss him already, and he hasn't even gone yet! Maybe I'm a little bit weird. My feelings towards him are really quite odd at the moment. On one hand, I'm slipping back into what we had when we were first together, where I love him regardless of anything else in the world. But at the same time, I still have those trust issues becauseof what has happened recently.
I know that all of this shouldn't be affecting me as bad as it has, the guy was a rotten fuckwit, and anything remotely resembling feelings for him that I had has been eradicated. I understand that what he did was something that Lachie would never, and has never, done to me. But at the same time, I still have that nagging insecurity that if Russell could pretend to be so great and turn out to be such a wanker, couldn't Lachie do the same? Gah! hate it. I want to be able to act like nothing happen, that I didn't spend that time in the hell that I called my life, but I cannot escape it. My life fell apart. I tried to kill myself. I was a wreck. It's not something you just finish up with one day, and no matter how many times I say it is fine, it really isn't. It's just better than it was the day before.
At least things are starting to get better. I've got myself in a nice wholesome relationship with someone that I know cares about me. I am actually starting to get my friends back, (yeah, I did that pushing away thing that I do so well) which is a fucking miracle, and things are starting to look good for a trip to Queensland at the end of the year. And I'm getting a car! So yeah, life is looking up, finally! :)
And I'm spent
Love to all
Maybe I'm Amazed - Jem
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way i love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way i really need you
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
Don't Tell Me - Avril Lavigne
You held my hand and walked me home I know
While you gave me that kiss it was something like this it made me go ooh ohh
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love
Guys are so hard to trust
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?
The one who gives it all away
[Chorus:]
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Dont try to tell me what to say,
Your better off that way
Don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck
Will get you in my pants I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget
I'm gonna ask you to stop, thought I liked you a lot, but I'm really upset
Get out of my head get off of my bed yeah thats what I said
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl, the one who, throws it all away
[Chorus]
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Dont try to tell me what to say,
Your better off that way
This guilt trip that you put me on won't, mess me up I've done no wrong
Any thoughts of you and me have gone away
[Chorus]
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Dont try to tell me what to say,
Your better off that way
Better off that way
I'm better off alone anyway
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!!
Kimmy made a discovery today! It was earth shattering, and it flies in the face of everything that I have ever thought about some of the people that I work with! It's incredible! Totally and utterly mind-boggling! I swear, I nearly had a heart attack! I couldn't believe my eyes! I just don't know where to start. For months they have been letting on to everyone that they hate each other and cannot stand to be around each other, when the whole damn time they ahve been dating! Sure, it's not exactly 100% in line with company policy, but I'm not about to get in the way of anything.
Anyhow, today, LB comes in to work to talk to us, just because, you know, she says that she wanted to see us, but I highly doubt that was the real reason. WR comes up to the registers, where I had to do all of my work for the day, and the amount of tension there was unbearable. I kept on sneaking looks at them, watching how they were interacting, and it was all a total contradiction of what they had been displaying in the past month and a bit. It was almost as bad as Sam and I were when we were dating so long ago! And you know, we could barely keep our hands off each other!! But we did try, really hard. Honest.
We heard that the rosters were all upstairs, so WR and LB went upstairs to have a look and I stayed down on registers. I remembered then that I had to have Sunday off to see Lachie off at the airport, so I went upstairs to see if they had been really good and given me the day off....
AND BOOM!
I walked into the office and my eyes nearly fell out of my head! It was nearly as good when Sam and I were caught making out in the team room. Not as good because I wasn't the one getting very-kissed in this situation! I was the one that got to discover the kissing! I stood there for about a minute, flabbergasted, before I finally piped up and said (and I thought was pretty cool for not screaming) "And you kept accusing me of wanting to kiss him?" Naturally they both jumped out of their skins, and I stood there, still having a nervous breakdown. She is 20, and he is bloody well 30, with a son! And VICTORIAN! ;)
So I agreed not to tell anyone on the condition that they both be super nice to me. I am so very manipulative! Well, not really, all I am doing is making sure that they don't get me angry, because I tend to do bad things when am angry, like have a psychotic fit and try to kill things... well, not to that extent, but I do say and do things that I shouldn't. And I don't want to ruin someone's career because they didn't get me a pen or something! Ya know? Besides, I don't think that they should be treated the way that Sam and I were when we were dating. It wasn't fun!
Lachie is leaving me for a week on Sunday. He's going to Bali with some friends (the plans that you concoct when you're drunk....) , which he has been planning on doing since, well, well before we were back together, so who on earth am I to turn around and say 'Hey, you cannot go, because I happen to be in the middle of a total nervous collapse!'? It isn't really fair. Besides, I've already made him promise to call me every day, maybe more than once everyday., and he's going to buy me something pretty.
I still don't know where my relationship with him is headed. I think it has been firmly established that even though we have both been in relationships before and since that huge chunk of time that we spent together, that nothing has really ever compared to it. He hasn't meshed with any of the girls that he has been with since me, and I've had guys moving out of the country, liars, cheaters and drug users (and three out of four of those were the same person!). It's funny, ebcause I don't think our feelings for each other ever died. And that seems to be the key thing in all of this. Regardless of anything that I have ever said or done, he has loved me through all of it. And it's kind of impossible to feel as though you're not loved when you know that someone as wonderful as him has loved you for years, and throughout everything. Makes you kinda warm and fuzzy
I've been a few days without thinking of hurting myself, or actually doing so, so things are starting to look up on that front. I have been lying. I have been telling everyone over the course of the past few weeks that I've been okay. I haven't. Up until Sunday, I was still trying to hurt myself and I was hiding it. Like I wrote the other day, I got foundout in it all, by the one person that I didn't want to know. I felt like I disappointed him, and had every intention of going home and doing something to myself for doing things to myself (yep, excellent logic happening there) when he told me he loved me. It was like some scene out of a movie. He told me he should never have let me go, and that this woudn't have hapened to me if he had just fought a little bit harder. It was a beautiful moment, for me anyhow. Hopefully things between us might actually work this time around. And if not, there is always next time.
Ergh, this has turned into a long post. Quite funny. I may just go to bed now!
Love to all!
