Back in Black

2005-04-06T11:28:00.000+09:30

Current Favorite Lyrics: 'So sleep darlin', why don't you pretend we were just a dream, it's cool baby, it doesn't matter anyway' - Just missed the train, Kelly Clarkson
Cutest Thing Seen Today: Kev. So hot.
Dressed In: jeans, thongs, a thong, bra, black singlet top, dark purple singlet top, starfish necklace, massive hoops.
Feels: Awesome!
Hair Is: Hanging loose for once!
Has Cold: fingers. They get cold when I type.
Has Eaten: Some yoghurt.
Has Opened: Nada. Zip, Zilch.
Has Talked To: Family, Wayne, Joel, Phillip.
Has Urge To: Jump up and scream out loud.
Imagines: What it would take to move one of those book shelves with all the books in ot.
Is Tired Of: Sitting around doing shit all.
Just Realized: That I'm REALLY hungry and I have to go soon.
Listening To: Stupid - Sarah McLachlan
Looking At: Book shelves. Computer screen
Might Have: Glandular Fever. I hung out with Adam, who now has it... you never know.
Should Work On: Politics essay
Song Seemingly About Self: 'Fallen' - Sarah McLachlan.
Thinks the Cats: SUCK
Trying Not To: Laugh and jump around like an idiot.
Wishes: For money this week so i don't have to starve myself.
Wonders If: Kev could actually ever be not-hot.
Working On: NADA!

2005-04-06T11:12:00.000+09:30

Life:
[x] They Call Me: Kimberley
[x] Nicknames They Call Me: Kim, Kimmy, Kimu, Princess
[x] Gender: Female
[x] Born: November 1985
[x] Age: 19
[x] Status: Living, loving and having a great ol' time
[x] Occupation: Student/car parts sales person
[x] Nationality: Australian, Irish/Norwegian heritage
[x] Best Friend(s): Becky
[x] Other Friend(s): Ah, do I have to go there? I love everyone!

Past:
[x] Favorite Memory: USJ 13/01/02 and Formal 13/12/03
[x] Worst Memory: Pretty much everything from mid October till later November '04
[x] First Word: Mum
[x] First Best Friend: Maria. Bitch stole my book bag, and the friendship was through.

Future:
[x] College: I'm at uni now. *nods*
[x] Wedding: Not planning on it, but if it happens I want something cute and medium sized.
[x] Children: Not in the cards, but whatever happens happens. I can only have two though. Any more and the chances are that I'll die.
[x] Looking Forward To: Finishing my degree!! Getting my P's.
[x] Not Looking Forward To: Working with wes on Saturday.

Current:
[x] Feeling: Perky, happy as always.
[x] Listening To: Nothing. I'm in the library, silentness abounds.
[x] Talking To: No one. Library remember.
[x] Doing: Writing a Japanese paper.
[x] Craving: A hamburger.
[x] Thinking Of: How I'm going to pay Kev back.
[x] Hating: Anyone that thinks they can get in my way! lol. I'm stronger than them!

Love:
[x] Love Is: quite possibly the second nicest thing in the world, it follows close behind sex. ;)
[x] First Love: Mr Perfect.
[x] Current Love: Don't know if I have any at the moment.
[x] Love or Lust: Depends on the situation!
[x] Best Love Song: 'Don't want to miss a thing' by Aerosmith.
[x] When Love Hurts: When loves hurts, I hurt someone. ;)
[x] All You Need is Love - True or False: True.
[x] Ever Been in Love: Possibly. I'm thinking maybe. But love doesn't die, so I probably haven't.

The Opposite:
[x] Turn Ons: HAH! I like guys with nice backs. Nothing beats a nice back. I like glasses, I like people that are taller than me.
[x] Turn Offs: Bad dress sense first and foremost! And people that have no confidence in themselves.
[x] Parents' Opinion of S/O Matter - Yes or No: Nope, never.
[x] Hair Style: Preferably short!
[x] Sweetest Thing: The sweetest thing a guy can do is be honest with me. If I look like shit, I want to know. Kev's "Princess, the only reason I'd kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor" was one of the sweetest things that I've ever had said to me because it was freaking honest!

One or the Other:
[x] Dog or Cat: Dog.
[x] Short or Long Hair: Long for me. Short for men! LOL!
[x] Innie or Outie: Innie.
[x] Sunshine or Rain: Sunshine
[x] Moon or Sun: Sun
[x] Basketball or Football: FOOTY!
[x] Righty or Lefty: Righty
[x] Hugs or Kisses: Kisses
[x] 1 Best Friend or Ten Acquaintances: 1 Best Friend
[x] S/O or Best Friend: Depends, usually friend. Men come and go, your best friend stays the same.
[x] TV or Radio: TV
[x] Starbucks or Jamba Juice: Eh, don't know.
[x] McDonalds or Burger King: Burger King
[x] Summer or Winter: Summer
[x] Written Letters or E-mails: Written Letters
[x] Playstation or Nintendo: Don't caqre either way.
[x] Disney or Nickelodeon: Disney!!
[x] Car or Motorcycle: Car
[x] House Party or Club: Club.
[x] Sing or Dance: Dance
[x] Freak or Slow Dance: lol. Both.
[x] YIM or AIM: Don't use either! Go MSN!
[x] Google or Ask Jeeves: Google!!

Miscellaneous:
[x] Can You Swim: I'm Australian, of course I can swim!
[x] Most Embarrassing Moment: HAH! Too many! Most recent was "Kim, what does veal come from?" "I'm not sure, I think it's a sheep or a beef"
[x] Scared Of: Elevators.
[x] Greatest Accomplishment: Ai yai yai, don't play on my pride. I'm proud of everything i do!
[x] Roof Over Your Head: At the moment? About 4 storey's of books.
[x] Do You Like Tomatoes: Love 'em.
[x] How Many TVs in the House: Three.
[x] How Many Phones: One normal one, 6 cell phones between 4 people.
[x] How Many Residents: Four and my puppy.
[x] How Many DVDs: Millions. Seruiously. Far too many! Into the hundreds.
[x] Last Dentist Visit: AAAAAAAAAAGES ago. I have really good teeth.
[x] Last Doctor Visit: September last year when I had to getmy back looked at after my accident at work.
[x] Last Phone Call: Yesterday. Aaron. Wanted to know if we were still on for Sunday.
[x] Love at First Sight - Real or Not: Not gonna happen.

2005-04-06T11:05:00.000+09:30

I'm at uni at the moment, trying to find soemthing interesting to do, and trust me when I say that is not as easy as it sounds! Life has been so hectic lately that stopping and trying to find soemthing worthwhile doing is actually a pretty big challenge. I've been running around trying to help Aaron get organised to leave. He's going in 22 days. It's just not cool! I'm going o be so distraught when he leaves. I don't know why I even started dating him (oh, I don't know, because I LIKE him, A LOT) if I knew he was going to be gone for two years within a couple of months.

It was The Ex's birthday not too long ago. I decided that I should give him a call to wish him a Happy 20th. It was good to talk to him and know that he is okay, but it was really awkward. The history dude, the history is what fucks the two of us over every single time. If there was none of hat history between us, everything would be wonderful. But there are those years that we spent together. There is so much, it drives me insane just attempting to think about it. *le sigh*

I'll try and update more later, but i have a survey that I want to do! lol

Love to all.

2005-04-03T16:26:00.000+09:30

*yawns* I haven't been updating this as much as I used to. Probably because I don't have anything to have a cow about anymore! I've been really busy. Insanely busy. So busy that it is almost impossible for me to comprehend. But I'm loving it. Life is good. I've been getting ready for Aaron to leave, which is in a couple of weeks. I have started to write his 'farewell letter', which has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I mean, what on earth could I possibly say to him that wouldn't sound incredibly sappy and melodramatic. I'm going to miss him so much that I'll probably spend like, forever, crying like some kind of lovelorn lunatic. It's not going to be pretty!

But yeah, went to the footy last night with Aaron, Adam and Ellen. That was awesom fun, shame it was two teams that I don't go for, but I had a good time anyway. We were surrounded by these people that were really into the game, you know, standing up yelling and screaming and all that. It was just excellent. Aaron had never been to a match before, and he was laughing so hard. He doesn't understand how people can get so into a game like that. But then again, he can be very much the nonchalant type when it comes to a lot of things, so I don't think I should have expected much different from him. But yeah, in the morning I went to Adam's place for a swim and just to hang out. He only recently got over glandular fever, so I haven't seen him in a while. Then we met Aaron and Ellen at the footy, and yeah, life is good. I have an awesome photo of my doing a sexy pole-dancer-esque pose with one of the goal posts, if it wasn't on my photo I'd put it up here. It's so cool. I'm wearing some really daggy Port gear, but Adam insisted on me wearing something to show my support for Port, so I borrowed his premiership shirt, a scarf and a beanie. The shirt was a million sizes too big, so I tied it up under my boobs and made it cute. lol.

But yeah, good times, good times. *thumbs up*
Love to all!

2005-03-25T22:52:00.000+10:30

There's always going to be that one person that you'll never get over. Ever. No matter what you do, there will always be that guy, or girl as it may be, that you swill always compare everyone else to. Everything will always come back to them.

2005-03-02T09:38:00.000+10:30

Why is there nothing overly dramatic happening in my life at the moment? I'm used to doom, gloom and general badness, not this. Never this. I'm actually really content at the moment. School is going really well, I have a nice boyfriend, things at home are calm, and yeah. Stuff is just good, and I don't get it!!

2005-02-27T23:36:00.000+10:30

I had a nice time tonight, despite the fact that I had to go to church. I know that I make it sound like some huge task, something that I hate every single moment of, but I actually had a lot of fun. The people there are nice, and I have made friends easily (mostly because I have miraculously managed to make friends with the right people), and yeah, the social opportunities are pretty darn marvellous. I played the role of dutiful girlfriend, who sat in the front row and listened intently to every single word that her boyfriend had to say. He was talking about family, and importance of family in the church. There was obviously a lot of talk of different scriptures, and the gospel, and you know, the sort of things that I don't generally understand, but there was also the important family stuff, ya know? The sort of stuff that you don't NEED to be religious to understand. It was a really nice talk, I was kinda glad that I was there for it.

Of course, there was the art after the service when we were all socialising, and everyone was coming up to Aaron and I to contragulate him on the talk, and he was all 'I couldn't have done it without my moral support' and hugged me really tight to him and kissed the top of my head. That was cool, it happened a few times as well. I like being treated like that sometimes, it's a ncie change of pace for me. The of cuorse he had a class to teach, which I had to go to as well, it was a class on 'The Book of Mormon', which I am currently reading at the moment. I'm in a competition with Aaron to see who finishes first. I'm up to Alma 30:3 and he is up to somewhere in Alma 35, and he started a month before me. I'm kicking his bottom at this rate! No one beats me at reading, NOBODY! It was a good class though, kinda helpful that I understood at least a little bit of what he was talking about!

Bt yeah, then we went and had some milk and cookies (how old school is that dude!? It was awesome!) and did the social thingo again. People did the congratulations thingo again as well, and Aaron actually gave me credit for the class, saying that a lot of the things I had been asking him about the Book of Mormon had helped him figure out what he was going to teach. *grins* I'm an inspiration! Check me out! I suppose, me being a non-member, that a lot of the questions that I would ask of the book would be a lot of the questions that most of them would ask at some stage, if they were going through a trying time or something like that, so it seems logical. They would start to wonder what it is that is so bad about living life the way that I do, and you know, that sort of thing. I was kinda glad that the questions that I had asked helped him to figure out what people that didn't completly understand the religion could be thinking at any one time. It was very cool indeedy.

Other than that, I worked today, which was good fun. Yay for work. Unexpected, but fun none the less.

That is all
Love to all.

2005-02-26T22:32:00.000+10:30

A - Can you come to church with me on Sunday?
K - Why? What's happening?
A - Well, I have to give a talk and teach a class, and I wanted to know if you'd come.
K - Really? What's the class about?
A - I don't think you'd be that interested in it actually...
K - So, if you don't mind my asking, why are you inviting me?
A - Because I'm nervous, was kinda hoping my girlfriend would be there for moral support.

And that is how Kimmy got herself a boyfriend, and roped into going to church, all in less than a minute. Sucks to be me.

2005-02-26T19:45:00.000+10:30

People don't think I get it. They think that I am full of myself, they think that I just wander around aimlessly in some kind of fairy tale land and never put in the effort that is required of me. They think I'm greedy, they think I have nothing to offer. I get it. I know what people think of me, and I know the truth about myself.

This was all brought on by an arguement I had with mum. Who else? It shits me that she thinks that just because I don't get the same school results as my sister and brother, and because I like to go out and actually do something social every now and then, that I am a total waste of space. I'm not as smart as my brother and sister, both of whom are real and true geniuses. It's been proven, they are honest to God 'gifted' people. It doesn't seem to matter that I'm smart, I know I am. I finished in the top 7% of the people in my state in Year 12. You don't do that if you're stupid. Fact of the matter is, I'm just not as smart as everyone else in my family. And you know, I get different stuff. I do English, social sciences, business studies, that sort of thing. They all do your pure maths and sciences shit. I'm just cut from a different cloth to them, but they take it to mean I'm stupid.

The only thing that I have had going for me in my family is the fact that I'm the prettiest of the lot of them. I'm not afraid to say it, because I know it's true. It always has been, and unless I have a disfiguring accident, more than likely always will be. But again, that contributes to the 'Kim is stupid' theory. It annoys me a great deal. GAH! I'm just frustrated because I know I'm more capable than tey think I am, but nothing that I can acheive academically is going to prove it, because they're smarter than I am. Every hour of study I do is like 10 minutes worth to them, ya know? *shrugs* I don't creally think I care all that much, I have the support of my friends, they know what I can do, and really, that's all I need. Sometimes I'd just like for one of my family members to acknowledge that I'm doing my best. I mean, come on, it takes a certain amount of savvy and intellect to be able to balance a (semi) boyfriend, going out just about every single night, studying, getting good marks AND managing to look as good as I do all the time! It's not something to mock. ;)

Ah well. That is my rant for the time being! ;)

Love to all.

2005-02-23T11:09:00.000+10:30

So now I am trying to figure out if I have a boyfriend or not. It's a funny situationreally. Because if I do, I'm not supposed to, but if I don't, I know that I bloody well should given the situation. It's all very confusing, and it is eating away at me. It kept me awake for an hour and a bit last night trying to figure out what the hell is going on here. He likes me. I like him. We're not together, or are we? It's just all spinning around in my head, and I have no idea what is going on around me.

But anyhow, this was all triggered yesterday when I went out with Aaron, Adam and Brody. Double dating... it's like the staple of the mormon diet or something. But anyhow, we went and saw 'The House of Flying Daggers', which actually wasn't too bad. Not as good as 'Hero', but pretty good all the same. Aaron got lost on the way to my house AGAIN. I didn't think that it was possible, but apparently it is. Anyhow, he got here, we hung out at my place for a little while, because, you know, it was really hot out, and he really needed a drink. So I went and got him a glass of water while I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off getting all of my gear together. He was already running nearly half and hour late, so we figured another five minutes wouldn't kill anyone.

We set off to Brody's place, and nearly got lost on the way there. Aaron told me that once I got him to a certain road, he would be able to find his way. NOT THE CASE! I'm never trusting that guy's sense of direction again! It's worse than mine!! That is just insane! But yeah, we got there, I met Brody, turns out she is really nice, and went to the shopping centre, where we were meeting Adam. Then we went to Hungry's and had dinner. Aaron and I stood around for ages looking at the menu, I think even the people that got there half an hour after us got their meals before we did! So yeah, we ate, and then we all decided to go for a walk around the lake, much reminiscent of when we went for the walk by the river in town. Same thing ended up happening, we split into two groups, Aaron and I, and Adam and Brody. Aaron and I ended up sittnig down somewhere by the water, talking for a really long time. It was a little different to the first time though.

Because this time he kissed me.

That wasn't supposed to happen. We are supposed to be doing the 'friends that like each other' thing. Not the 'kissing by the lake' thing. After that, kinda had to ask him why it happened, to which point he said that he had always wanted to kiss me, and thought that he would give it a go. I then asked him what he thought of it, and he said that he wouldn't mind doing it again. Needless to say that resulted in more kissing. More kissing was gooooood kissing though. Is it okay to be kissin gthe guy that isn't your boyfriend? Especially when you know that he is leaving, and that really, he shouldn't be kissing you, because his religion is VERY much strict on that sort of thing, and it is only ever supposed to happen when you are dating someone.

After that there was the awkwardness, and then Adam and Brody caught up to us and we went to the movies. The movie was pretty good. For parts of it I was more focussed on Aaron, who had promptly decided to do the hand holding, cuddling thing, but a good movie all the same. It's just... it's weird, because I KNOW we're not supposed to be dating, we decided so! We're not going out! But we're acting like we are. I'm getting really confused.

Anyhow, after the movie, Adam and Brody went to go and get ice cream, and Aaron and I went to go and get the car. Adam and Brody came back with ice cream, they had bought us some, and I had to tell them I didn't like ice cream, so Aaron ate mine. But yeah, we dropped everyone home, and then Aaron took me home. He opened the door for me, and walked me up to my door (he opens doors for me all the time and all of that other long dead chivalry stuff, it's so cool). And yeah, we said our goodnights, and in a move that i swear came straight out of the movies, as I was going to open to the door, he grabbed my wrist, spun me around and kissed me again.

See, this whole thing is playing out like a fairy tale. It's beautiful, romantic, and it's everything that a relationship isn't, and I think that is why I am so willing to let it happen. Even though I know that othing can come of it, I'm just so ready to be swept off my feet by some Prince Charming. And he is playing the part of Prince Charming, by being so incredibly perfect for me, and treating me like some sort of princess. I have never felt more well-looked-after than I do with him, and it scares me, because I know that by letting myself get attached to this guy, I'm going to be totally shattered when he leaves. It'll tear me apart, and I don't want it to happen, but I know that there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

And that is why I'm confused at the moment!

Love to all

2005-02-22T15:11:00.000+10:30

Just went to see 'Closer' with May. It was an awesome flick. Loved it to itty bitty teeny tiny peices. It was just.... it was intense I think more than anything. But yeah, awesome movie. Everyone should go and see it. I'm going to go and see 'The House of Flying Daggers' tonight with Aaron, Adam and Brody tonight. That should be good fun. I've never met Brody though, and I haven't exactly heard glowing things about her, so we'll see I suppose. I hadn't heard anything good about Donna, and she turned out to be one of the sweetest girls on the planet. So yeah, there you go.

I have nothing to say. I'm tired. Movies make me tired. I hate to even think what I'll be like tonight! LOL!

2005-02-21T20:05:00.000+10:30

A conversation between mum and I just now, mum is 'M', I am 'K'. It's one of my really superficial moments, I warn you right now. Honestly though, this conversation took place about thirty seconds before I started to type it (the computer lives in the family room you see, so we converse while I'm on the net and so on and so forth).

K - Last year at uni I learned that there was this line around the world that seperates the developing countries from the developed ones. All the countries below the line are the developing ones, all the ones above it are developed. I personally prefer to take my holidays above the line.
M - Yeah, because the Hiltons under the poverty line are only three stars, not four.
K - Shut up! You know, 26 percent of Micronesia's population live in poverty.
M - Well, not necessarily.
K - I suppose... it really depends on how you define poverty yeah?
M - Yeah, they might not have telephone lines, the internet and all that, but they can live a pretty good life. They go out, do their fishing or their farming, and live their lives. It could probably be a pretty fulfilling existence. Really, who do you think gets more out of life?
K - Lemme put it this way, while they're out fishing, I'm staying in a four star Hilton. I think I know who got the sour end of that deal.

So there you go. Me in all of my superficial 'it doesn't matter so long as I am comfortable' glory. Marvel at it, throw things at me, and call me a selfish bitch. But think about it, really, wouldn't we all rather be staying in a hotel?

It seems to me that my existence is based on a series of relationships that I have with other people, be them good, bad or indifferent. I rant, rave and obssess about how other people percieve me, even though I claim that I don't care. it's a pretty sad state to exist in, but at the same time, I feel like it gives me something to be concerned about. I love living the way that I do, with the people that I have in my life. But at the same time, it would be nice to be able to stop for a moemnt, without the interference from everyday life, and examine who exactly it is that is living inside this body of mine.

For nineteen years, I have done whatever I wanted, pretty much whenever I wanted. I haven't carved myself a little niche in the world, rather, I have let the world find a niche for me. I feel stable in my own little corner of the universe, but recently I have come to wonder, has my time in this niche started to run out? Am I starting to evolve beyond this? Things that I enjoyed a year ago, I find childish and stupid, but yet things that I hated last year for being childish, I now adore beyond reason. Am I growing up, or merely taking a few steps back? Is that what growing up is about, realising that you don't have to pretend to be grown up in order to do so?

2005-02-20T11:39:00.000+10:30

I finally got me a new layout! This has been a long time coming. Turtle Life was starting to eat me up inside, and I think it put me off using my lovely little blog for a very long time indeedy! But yeah, I am back, with a brand-spanking new layout! Life has been really slow as of late, nothing interesting is really happening, with the exception of my going to work and doin stocktakes, but even that is starting to wear a little bit thin.

I'm restless more than anything else at the moment. I just want to go out and do stuff, but my chances to do as such have been very limited. There is nothing to do at home, and frankly, i'm just bored out of my skull everywhere that I go, and with everything that I do. It shouldn't last too much longer though, I only have one more week till I start back at uni, and then I am home free. I am really looknig forward to doing some good, hard studying and trying to get back into the swing of university.

Went driving this morning, that was good fun. We drove down to the beach, and I got my U-turns signed off, which is awesome. I just want to get through everything so that I can drive by the end of April. Then instead of spending a fortune getting a cab to go and see Aaron off at the airport, I can drive myself there. That would make life a hell of a lot easier. I'm going to be distraught when that guy goes. I figured out last night that I have only known him for 54 days. Funny how you can get so close to someone in such a small amount of time. I didn't realise it had only been that long. I'm going to go and see 'The House of Flying Daggers' with him sometime during the week, which will be nice. It sucks having a semi boyfriend that lives as far away as he does, doesn't exactly make for travel-fun-time if you know what I mean?

Valentine's Day was mediocre at best. Got present from everyone but Aaron, which was fine, because, you know, he lives a million miles away, so I didn't get to see him and all that sort of thing. I actually felt kinda bad about taking presents though, because even though I'm not dating this other guy, I feel as though I am. It's a funny feeling to have really. I know that nothing can come of anything that is between us, the whole two year in Micronesia makes that blaringly obvious, but it isn't helping me get myself under control when it comes to any feeling that I might be starting to develop for this guy.

Eh, I'll move on, I'm sure of it. In the mean time I just have to focus on other things, like studying for school and that sort of thing. School is going to be so much fun, I'm really looking forward to it. I'm doing intro Japanese (because even though I have done Japanese for 10 years of my life, I haven't done it in the past 2, so I'm prolly a little rusty, yeah?) and politics this semester, then business law, international relations and Japanese next semester. Will be awesome fun. Am totally psyched.

Going to Queensland in May as well with the family. We're planning on going to all of the worlds, which will be awesome fun. Hopefully I can get on the work trip to Bathurst too, and then Becky and I are going to Melbourne for Convention at the end of the year... it's all very cool. I shall become the travelling Kimmy!

Love to all

2005-02-13T17:35:00.000+10:30

Anyone else up for some more 'it's time for me to shoot myself' type fun? The past week has been really hectic. Come to think of it, the past month has been really hectic. I don't know how I am managing to keep control of everything that is going on around me, but somehow I have managed to control everything that has been happening in my life with quite an astonishing amount of ease. My social life is looking pretty good at the moment, my love life is somewhat non existent, by choice as opposed to everything else, I have been starting to study for uni, getting back into the habit ya know? And yeah, doing driving lessons, it's all coming together really nice. I know that by the end of the week I'll be totally and utterly fucked, working all those hours and all, but I'm looking forward to it all the same.

But yeah, on the social life front, I went fire twirling the other night, go out with friends most other nights, just have fun ya know? It's all becoming very cool indeedy. My folks are getting annoyed because they hardly ever see me, but you know, that happens sometimes. Besides, I dno't think I'm missing much, our family isn't huge on the family bonding thing. We're more like 4 people living under one roof as opposed to blood relations. But I like it that way, makes for more interesting conversation.

My love life, as always, consists of Aaron and the manager dude, who gave me the cutest necklace the other day, it says 'princess', and it's silver and I love it (his nickname for me is princess you see. He doesn't call me Kim, even if he calls me to work "Hey princess, you wanna come in to work today?" that sort of thing). And yeah, then there is Aaron, who is becoming something of a constant in my life at the moment. Snaps to him. jJust wait till the end of April, when we don't see each other for two years. Fucking missions.

But yeah, nothign else going on. I'm feeling great and things are looking up!

Love to all!

2005-02-11T12:26:00.000+10:30

Ack, why oh why do I promise to do things for people that I really don't want to do just because they happen to be asking me really nicely?!

2005-02-09T11:24:00.000+10:30

Ack, it's been a very busy however long. I've been running around like some sort of chicken with it's head cut off. I actually went to church on Sunday night, it was certainly different. Aaron asked me to go with him, and really I didn't have much choice in the matter. I cannot say no to that guy. I think that's something that I might need to work on with guys, learning how to say no to them. Was a little hesitant in going at first, until I struck a deal with Aaron that if I went, he would sing to me in the carpark afterwards. How on earth could I pass that up?

So I went, sat very still for nearly two hours whilst they did the church thing. It wasn't too bad though. Aaron and I sat in the back somewhere, because we arrived a tad bit late you see, I couldn't find the right shoes to wear with my skirt. Honestly, I have never had any clothing that could be considered my 'Sunday best', I spent ages on the phone to Aaron before I went trying to decide what would be best to wear. But anyhow, we ended up sitting near the back, where Becky eventually found us when she got there nearly 20 minutes late. She sat in front of us, and kept on turning around trying to talk to me. I was being very, VERY quiet, and very still.

After the speaking bit was done, everyone started milling around, doing the social thing. Aaron and I were joined at the hip. He spent most of the time holding my hand, which was sweet. I don't get to feel all giddy about guys very often anymore, I tend to get cynical towards most of them these days. But yeah, what can you do. It was funny though, I was talking to all of these missionaries, all of whom were giving Aaron funny looks. He's going on his mission soon, so it's kind of weird for them that he has recently attached himself to the non-member girl. I get where they're coming from with that, it is a little bit odd for someone to be doing that right before they head off for a few years, but what can you do? I'm not going to act differently just because someone is leaving, and by the look of things, he has taken the same approach.

But yeah, so apart from my interesting church experience, I have been working, going out, you know, the usual social life stuff. I didn't regret going to the church thingo with Becky last Friday, because I got to talk to Aaron properly, get rid of all of that nasty awkwardness we had happening between the two of us. Overally things are good now. I'm pretty darn happy. As everyone should be! :)

I got a phone call from my friend Shazza the other night, she was having a bitch about how Russell has been calling her, trying to be her friend and all of this bullshit. She's too nice to say anything to him about it, but thought that she would let me know. She knows that we organised to keep out of each others lives, which, believe it or not, means keeping away from each others friends. I don't go around talking to his anymore, he should stay the hell away from mine. So I sent him a message, telling him that none of my friends wanted anything to do with him, that they kneew what he had done, and they weren't interested. I think I managed to throw a few insults in there too. I actually deleted his number, but you know, 10 months of knowing it off heart means it's kinda stuck. So I sent him the message, got one back asking who this was, to which I replied that there is only one person in this world that hates him as much as I do. I think he kinda understood who it was after that. But yeah, I told him to get the fuck out of my life, and to keep the fuck away from my friends. He got pissy saying that he could call them if he wanted. So I told him that if that was the way he wanted to be, then I'd do the same, and we could see how many friends he would ahve left at the end of the week. He backed the hell done after that. He knows I'm not someone that he wants to fuck with. I know far too fucking much about him and some of the things that he has said and done for him to even think about messing around with me. So he just told me that he would leave them alone, to which I replied 'Have a nice life asshole' and that was that.

So yeah, that was interesting. I was proud of myself though, I did a good job, certainly better than I thought I would. Last time I confronted him like that I was crying and sobbing in the midst of it, you know, I still wanted to try and help him. But the past few months has turned that feeling into one of complete and total hatred. So I managed to just say what I wanted without getting emotionally caught up in it. It was nice to be able to finally say all those things I have wanted to for so long. So yeah, feeling pretty content in my own life now.

And I'm spent now!

Love to all!

2005-02-03T22:31:00.000+10:30

I'm sick of doing silly things, making silly choices and just generally doing things that I shouldn't. I mean, there is nothing drastically wrong with my life, so I know that I shouldn't really be complaining, but I am sick of doing things that I know I shouldn't. Eh, whatever, all I can do is hope that eventually I will stop seeing things, think 'hey, this could be fun' and go ahead and do them. I want to be able to look at something, realise that though it could be fun, it might not be a very good idea, and promptly back away from it. Maybe it is one of those things that comes with age? So long as it happens eventually, I don't mind.

So, onto the Mr Perfect situation. I turned the tables on him, told him that if he loved me as much as he claimed he did, he would be willing to wait for me, and that he was to let me know by Tuesday what the deal was between us. Tuesday came, and he told me that he would wait, but until I was ready to get serious about a relationship, he was out of my life. I think that was prolly the best possible outcome that I could have realistically hoped for. So yeah, things are okay on that front, haven't seen him since Tuesday, but you know, I'm not supposed to, so there you go.

Going to a mormon church event again tomorrow. I don't know why I keep going. I'm only really going because Becky keeps asking me to go, and I simply don't have it in me to say no to my bestest friend in the world (I'm finding it hard to type at the moment, I have a puppy sitting in my lap making a fuss). I'm making my own friends within the church easily enough, that isn't an issue for me at all. I just feel bad if I ever leave Becky's side whilst at these things, but then she has the tndency to run off and leave me bewildered and wondering what happened. So then I go off with my friends, and later in the night, she will come up to me, and make a joke about me abandoning her. I mean, i know it's a joke and all, but she does it every single time, and then i feel bad about it until I realise she left me, and then I get stroppy.

But yeah, I'm going to try again tomrorow night, see how we go. If it fails, it fails, if it doesn't, then yay! :D

Love to all

2005-02-02T16:43:00.000+10:30

Your Husband Generator by Lady_Galadriel
Name
Your Husband Is
You Met	mile high club
You Have	6 children
You Live	australia
In	an expensive studio flat
You And Your Partner Are Best Known For	having a perfect sickening relationship

Quiz created with MemeGen!

2005-01-31T23:46:00.000+10:30

Ah, it is the compulsory photos post, in which I post the links to photos. These photos are mostly of my looking like a drowned rat. My friend Jess tok them today when we went over to Adam's place for a swim. The girl that isn't me is Liz, Becky's sister. Becky couldn't come to see Kyle off today, it was actually pretty sad, because her and Kyle were pretty tight, she couldn't get the time off work though. But yeah, Jess, Liz and myself went to Adam's place after the airport (I was crying so much that I was clinging to Adam like nothing else in the world) and Adam suggested that we all go for a swim. Sure, we didn't have any clothes (which is why I am dressed in his) but it was awesome funny anyhow. I was the only one that ended up swimming, because I was the only one willing to put on a guys shirt and boardies.

Anyhow, photo time!

Adam with the silly toy axe. He bought it last week because he thought it would be fun to play with (do we believe this guy is 19?), and promptly found it totally useless as anything but a pool toy.
Liz being... Liz? I think Adam and I were doing something totally stupid at the time, I'm not sure. Could explain the look. And besides, Adam and I are always doing something stupid, it's what we do.
Look mum, no hands! Me trying to hide my drowned rat look, Adam proving that he doesn't need hands to keep me in the spa bit. Originally I hand my hands up too, but then I got spalshed in the face and freaked out.
Doing the disco look This is Liz doing a little bit of a John Travolta hand thing here. Very cute. I love Liz to itty bitty peices. And yes, Adam and I were more than likely doing something stupid at the time.
Dumb rat This is my dumb drowned rat look. I was trying to get away from the unflattering-ness that was the spa bit, but then Adam grabbed me around the waist and kept me there. I think I'm still trying to get away amidst him tickling me in that one, thus the silly face.

Anywho, that is the photos. Yay me! I'll write something substantial tomorrow, promise.

Love to all

2005-01-30T18:08:00.000+10:30

Well, I turned the tables on him completely. The other night, I turned around and told him that I loved him, but I simply didn't have it in me to be in a serious relationship at the moment. I also told him that if he loves me as much as he claims he does, he will be willing to wait for me to be ready to be in the aforementioned serious relationship. I told him to let me know by Tuesday. Lara is proud of me, and I think Becky is too, they're the only people that actually know how it all went, so yeah, there you go. Now everyone can know.

In the mean time I have taken to being single like a fish takes to water. It is actually pretty enjoyable, especially when you know that you can flirt with anyone that you want to and not have to worry about the consequences. Example in point is Adam, a guy that goes to Becky's church. (colour me insane, that is 6 guys I know of that have a 'thing' for me... it's a record, normally NO ONE likes me) I've known him for what? 2 years now? And he decides that Friday night is the night to kiss me on a bridge in the middle of the night at a farewell party. I was flattered, really. He's a sweet, sweet, adorable guy, and I wouldn't trade him, but you know, nothing will ever come of it, because I have someone else in my life that I love beyond reason and logic.

See how life sucks sometimes?

Anyhow, must go and sleep so that I can go to Kyle's setting out and then watch Lleyton Hewitt wipe the floor with Safin. :) C'MON LLEYTON!

2005-01-28T10:35:00.000+10:30

Becky sent it to me. I had no choice, so bear with me!

1.What is your full name? Kimberley (don't remind me, I hate it, loathe it, and despise it), and as for the other two names, well, it's all on a need to know basis.

2. What colour pants are you wearing right now? Black, I'm in my pyjama shorts. Must start getting ready for work

3. What are you listening to right now? Always There - Kate Alexa

4. What are the last four digits of your phone number? 6582 are the last four on my mobile.

5.What was the last thing you ate? A peice of cookie and cream cheesecake that I got last night after dinner to share with my lovely sister.

6. What's your favourite colour(s)? Pink and white and blue.

7. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? I'm getting married? Why is it that people don't tell me these things till the last minute? Erm, if I had to pick somewhere, I would prolly go for somewhere really busy and vibrant, like New York or LA or their Asian equivelents.

8. How is the weather right now? Really warm, really humid, dark, just plain yucky. Going to have thunderstorms soon though! Yay!

9. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Aaron, I talk to the boy far too much than what is considered healthy.

10. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Neck, believe it or not. I don't know why that is, but I do.

11. Most embarrassing moment: Running into a bus. If you don't know about it, ask, I'll happily tell you.

12. Do you like the person that sent you this? Becky bear!? I love her to teeny tiny little pieces! She's my uber-bestest buddy, the only person that I know that I could stand to have intruding in on every little corner of my life.

13. How tired are you today? Pretty. Didn't get to bed till late, and I'm sooooooooooooo broke, not that it has anything to do with the question.

14. Your favourite alcoholic drink? Anythign with vodka in it. Vodka makes me happy.

15. How do you eat an Aero? With my mouth. It's a wise, wise way to eat them

16. Favourite sport to watch? Tennis! I love tennis. Could watch it forever!

17. What is the next CD you're going to buy? I don't know, I'm leaning towards "Sweat/Suit" by Nelly. Still not 100% on that one. Maybe Casey Donovan's new single. Who knows?

18. Hair colour? Dark brown.

19. What colour are your eyes? They used to be green. They're dark blue now. PSYCHE!

20. Do you wear contacts? I don't even wear glasses! Check me out!

21. Siblings and their ages? Nathan, 14, Meagie, 17

22. Favourite month? April. Me likee.

23. Favourite food? GAH! I don't know. I don't eat it often enough to know dammit!

24. Last movie you watched? 'After the Sunset'

25. Favourite day of the year? Anzac Day. I heart Anzac Day. It's a very emotional day. Makes me happy, sad and all those things at once.

26. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Nope. I never ask someone out unless I'm 150% sure they'll say yes, so I'm usually pretty confident going into it.

27. Do you like scary or happy movies better? Scary. Happy movies suck, unless they're comedies.

28. Summer or Winter? Summer, better clothes

29. Hugs or kisses? Depends on the person. Generally hugs with friends, kisses with S.Os

30. Relationship or one-night stands? LOL! Silly question to ask the relationship girl!

31. Chocolate or vanilla? Vanilla

(the next few questions were pointless, about who is giong to respond, since my email is defunct - NO ONE)

35. Who is the hottest person you know? Kevin, without a doubt Kevin. That man is fucking hot.

36. Is the glass half empty or half full? Half full! I'm the eternal optimist!

37. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Not at the moment, I don't think... I'll have to look into that.

38. If not, do you like someone? It's me. Think about it.

39. Who is your crush/girlfriend/boyfriend? ACK! Let's not go there. IF you've been reading the blog, you'll know the answers.

40. What is the last thing that made you laugh? I was just watching Sex and the City, I was pissing myself.

41. What is the last thing to make you cry? It's stupid, but watching Hewitt win the tennis the other night.

42. The best feeling: Knowing that you have made the right choice.

43. The worst feeling: Losing. Losing sucks ass.

44. I can't live without: My mobile! I need it to live. Live I tell you!

2005-01-27T13:39:00.000+10:30

You'll never guess where I am writing this from! Never in a million years I swear! I'm posting this from uni! UNI! I have my internet priveleges back, and I can officially start up on my studying! It's going to be good fun! I am so psyched for uni that it is not funny. I came up here to get my full time sticker instead of my crappy part time one, so now I am all enrolled and shit, and everything is 100% sorted out, and I can begin my education on the 28th of February! Yay me!

I am trying to distract myself from the whole situation with Mr Perfect. Even though I have to make up my mind pretty bloody soon, by tomorrow night to be exact, I just don't know... I know that I will make a decision, but what it ends up being is a total mystery to me. I don't know if I am ready to throw such a huge chunk of my life away, but I don't know if I can commit the way that he wants me to. But I also know that we cannot keep going on like this, being together, breaking up, being together, breaking up again. It's a very destructive pattern, and it ruins any chance at developing a normal relationship with anyone else, because even while we're broken up, we're both still thinking of each other. If I decide that it is time for him to get out, it needs to be a clean break, the kind where we don't run into each other randomly. When we run into each other randomly after not seeing each other for a while, we end up trying to go out and be friends, and that NEVER works.

Us being friends will never work, we have tried, we will love each other, hate each other, but we will never find that middle road. We cannot ever be friends, because one of us will do something that will ruin everything, because that is what always happens. No matter how hard we try, it's got to be one extreme or another, and it is hard to pick which one. I don't know if I'm ready to be with someone yet, after everything that has happened. I was totally and utterly destroyed and torn to peices by what happened between me and the other guy (who's name I don't like to mention because he is a lying cheating son of a bitch that I want to die in the most horrific way possible), and even though I know that I should be able to trust him, I cannot bring myself to do it, because I'm scared of what will happen to me if he betrays me.

And that is what it all comes down to in the end. I am scared. I am so fucking scared that I don't know what to do anymore. I died in a way that no one can quite understand unless they have been through it themselves. You would ahve been able to kill me, and I wouldn't have known the difference between death and what I was feeling. It's funny how you react to these things. I always thought I was the type that would scream and yell and be horrifically angry about the whole thing. Instead I became emotionally numb and suicidal, funny how things turn out. I suppose it is in the hardest of times that you learn who you really are. And who I am happens to be a big ol' softie! But I'm so scared. I'm scared to let myself get emotionally involved with anyone, because I know what could end up happening to me if I do. I didn't do anything with Aaron for that reason, I had a one night stand with the manager dude not too long back ( I was single, so it's ooooookay) so that I didn't have to get emotionally attached to him. Everything in this damn head of mine is screaming for me not to develop feelings for someone, but I am anyway, and so I find myself doing everything in my power to destroy them.

Butall of this doesn't help me with my decision, all it does is make it more complex. It's not a question of if I love him or not. It's a question of if I love him enough to know when it is time to let him go. I don't WANT to let him go, but if that is just me being selfish or me doing what is right I don't know. That is the key to all of this, is figuring out what is the best for the both of us. I don't want to drag him down with me if I go under again. I want to be able to look back in 5 years and say 'Yeah, I did the right thing', and be able to look at him and know that he is happy with what ended up happening.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day. It shall go like so... work, Kyle's farewell, decision time. I have a feeling I'm going to be thinking about the decision more than anything else! But yeah, tomorrow is shaping up to be one hell of an interesting day.

Anyhow, onto other things... I donated blood the other day, which was awesome. I love donating blood, I don't care how dizzy or anything I get afterwards. It is just nice to know that I can go into town, sit on a chair and save people's lives. And get free food for it afterwards! Who could ask for more? But seriously, it's a good feeling to have. I remember when I was going through the break up thing, I donated blood. Made me feel really happy for a little while there. It's just a good thing to do, and if you don't do it already, and can, DO IT. My mother was saved because of people that donated blood. It's a good thing to do, you do save lives, I wouldn't have a mum if it wasn't for people that donated, so please, just do it, because you never know who you might end up saving.

Well, I'm going shopping with my sister today as well. The poor girl really needs to learn how to dress herself, it's seriously something tragic. I think it'll be the first time I've gone shopping in months when I haven't bought myself something! It'll be worth it though, I need to spend some more time with her, and you know, like I said, the poor thing really needs some nice clothes! And a hair straightener... possibly some more shampoo, and I could go on forever, but I'm not going to, because yeah, it IS my sister, and I still love her, even for all of her fashion flaws! ;) We'll make her pretty by the end of the day. I'll work my Kimmy-magic on her! Go me!

Skyshow in a couple of days... PSYCHE! Aaron invited me, so that could be fun. Aaron and I are going to remain very firm friends. I called him last night, and he was telling me that he was sorry he hasn't called me, but he has no idea what to say to me anymore. Apparently he has been feeling pretty awkward about what happened the other night, what with the us deciding not to hook up thing. I had prepared for this you see, by already listing a bunch of things in my head that I could talk to him about so that things would un-awkward themselves. It worked a charm too, thanks to my little list, we were chatting away like old mates again! So there you go, the simply solution to everything is to remember a list of things to talk about when the conversation dries up!

I might go and buy some lunch now, I think it's high time I had something to eat today. The only thing that is keeping me going at the moment is a Sprite Recharge. Go energy drinks, they keep me from dying a horrible, ugly death.

And on a final note, GO LLEYTON!

Love to all.

2005-01-26T10:19:00.000+10:30

It's supposed to be an easy decision you know. I'm supposed to be able to look at this guy, say 'Yep, you're the one for me' or 'No this isn't going to work' and then everything will work itself out. I just don't think it is going to happen that way. I took the me time for a good reason. Because I didn't know what I wanted, and I didn't want to pull him along while I tried to figure out what it was that I wanted. He knows that I want him, I have always wanted him, since the moment that I first met him. And yet I just cannot decide if he is what I need. It's too hard to think about this early in the morning. Far too hard for a little brain like mine to comprehend. If I decide that I want him, we're going to have to give this a 100% kind of effort, no half-assing or anything like that. But if I decide that I don't want him, that is it. That is the end of everything. It's a hard choice to have to make, because I also have to decide if he is good for me, and if I am good for him, because in the past, we have been nothing but bad for each other. It's a complicate dchoice, and one that I am not looking forward to come the end of the week. I'm willing to bet that I won't decide till he actually comes to see me. I don't know, I just don't want to say goodbye to someone that had been such a huge part of me for the last 3 or 4 years. But I don't know if we can do this either...

2005-01-25T20:57:00.000+10:30

Well, things are starting to get a little bit out of hand. And by out of hand I mean crazy whacky out of control. It's just one of those situations that I have been in before, that I should know how to deal with by now, but can't, because I let my feelings get in the way of everything. I cannot believe that after everything that I have been through, I still cannot keep control of my feelings and look at everything logically, the way that it is supposed to be. I'm just... I don't know, I love him too much I think. I cannot help it, whenever I see him, or talk to him, everything else just goes away. It all becomes about him. That is the way that it has always been, and I have a feeling that is the way that it always will be.

I saw The Ex last night. He rang me up at some ridiculously stupid hour, I think it was like 1:30 in the morning. Pretty much the whole of our conversation was "I need to see you. Now" (I put the now in a new sentence because there was a very definite full-stop-style pause there. Very firm, very manly) and "Alright, come pick me up in 20." then "Good, I'll see you in a bit, bye." and finally "Take care." That was it. That was our phone conversation. No 'Hi Kim, how are you?', nothing like that at all. Just plain and simple and very very demanding. Not that I was complaining, I seem to really like the whole being dominated thing lately. I like men that can boss me around, don't know why, all my life I've been the one that has had to be in charge, or at least an equal partner, now I've suddenly got this whole 'make me your bitch' thing happening.

It's funny how people change, how their wants and needs, how what they feel that they need in a realtionship with someone can suddenly go from one extreme to another. Going out with the former Mr Perfect last night wasn't a mistake, far from it, it was a good night all in all, but I couldn't help but wonder, will things between the two of us ever be simple?

This guy, this amazing guy that I have known since I was 16 (well, only very recently, but you get my point), has been with me through thick and thin for the last few years. At every significant point in my life, he has been right by my side, helping me through it. Every single time he has gone through a crisis, I have been right there with him, supporting him. And yet, as I sit here typing this, he is lying in bed at home alone. I have loved this guy for so long, and I don't know if I will ever be able to stop, but I don't know why it is that we have never been able to just sit back and let things work themselves out. How is it that a relationship can be so hard when your feelings for each other are so strong? It occurs to me that sometimes things are never meant to be, and that I am only turning 20 this year, but at the same time, I want to be able to get into a relationship that I know can stay together.

We went out to one of those little 24-hour cafes in town that just never gets old no matter how many times you go there, I had a couple of drinks, he had a couple of drinks, we talked a lot (because that is what you do), when he finally decided to tell me what it was that had bothered him so much that he had me sitting in a cafe at 2am.

He told me that he doesn't want to do this anymore. I have to make a choice. I have to decide once and for all if we are really going to give this a shot. No more if ands or buts. I have to decide, by the end of the week none the less, exactly what we're going to do. He has told me that he is in love with me, but he simply cannot take the pressure anymore, and I don't blame him, I would hate to be in his position. I'm kind of in the same boat. But now I have to make a choice. Do I want to seriously commit to him, or am I going to tell him to get out of my life forever?

So I warn everyone, right here and now, the next few entries will be analysing my relationship with him... it's not going to be pretty.

Love to all

2005-01-23T13:42:00.000+10:30

So I have just done the compulsory must-go-and-reread-all-previous-journal-entries thing, and have discovered that over the past couple of months, I have been fucked up beyond recognition. I suppose at least I have actually come to that conclusion as opposed to 'Well, I wasn't really that screwed up, I just had a few issues to work through'. No, I was actually totally and utterly rooted in the head. I'm not sure if that means I am better now, or if it just means that I'm a crazy person that knows it.

I read the letter that Joshua sent me again last night. He talks an awful lot about his faith (as missionaries tend to do, or so I am informed) and brings up the example of air, about how we can never see it, but we have complete faith that it is there. He also talks a lot about seeds and trees and that sort of thing, which, as much as I love the occasional metaphor, is a little bit of overkill on the nature theme. I used to talk to him a lot about religion, mostly because he is so devout, so strong in his beliefs, and I am quite possibly the most faithless person that I know. I have never believed in a divine power that controls everything around me. I have enough trouble believing in the people around me, let alone an unseen force. It was an interesting letter to read, even more interesting to reply to, I kinda wish that I had kept a copy of my reply so when I get one back I'll know what he is talking about! I wonder if they're allowed photos. I would like to send him some photos, just because. I know I won't get any back, because, you know, mormon missionary, not huge on the photo opportunities, but I still want to send him some so that when we all show up at the airport on December 23rd 2006, at least he'll know what we look like (because we won't have a clue! lol).

Gosh, he's coming back next year... make's it sound like a lot less than two years. I'm psyched for it already, trying to think of things we can do when he gets back. There is so little to do in Adelaide! Gah on this city! Maybe we can just do dinner and movies.. I don't know, I'll be 21 by then. Doubtless still friends with Becky, which means still friends with the mormon crew (and I just know Joshua is hoping I will have converted by then, he has told me himself), which means party for Ua is mandatory!

Been getting messages from Lara at highly inappropriate times lately! As much as I appreciate hearing from her, I don't appreciate it so much at 2am and 6am in the morning thank you! LOL! I woke up at 6:30 to the sound of my phone beeping because she had sent me a message, I think I nearly cried. I had set my alarm for 8:15, and it seemed so pointless to go back to sleep, I would only be more tired when I woke up. Went back to sleep anyhow. Wrote Lara a relpy just before I went driving.

Anyhow, am going to head off now, as I have to go and make myself some tacos for lunch. I like tacos, they're the bomb. I think I also want to go to sleep, and write some of this story that I promised for Becky-bear. She'll kill me if I don't get my butt into gear and start on it soon. One page isn't exactly an appeasment. It's been so long since I have written anything like this, it is very hard to get back into the habit. Especially when it used to be so easy. It's really hard now, gosh darn it! LOL!

Anyhow, love to all, and don't do anything i wouldn't do!

2005-01-22T20:54:00.000+10:30

People have been getting worried about me. Go figure. I didn't think that people got worried about me anymore. I'm kind of a non issue! Eevrything is going pretty well, I managed to sort out everything between me and Aaron, which pretty much consisted off ' like you, you like me, but we're not going to do anything about it because you're going on a mission soon'. It's an unusual situation, never really had to deal with one quite like it. Normally when two people like each other, they get together and things are all good. Not the case here. In this case, two people like each other, but cannot get together because in two months one of them is going abroad to spread the Mormon gospel, and he doesn't want to have emotional ties to anyone back home, because it will only distract him from doing as such. Why is it that the twisted psycho love stories only ever happen to me?

Ack, I'm alright with it though. I am not looking to get into a relationship, and if I was, it wouldn't be a serious one, I'm kind of doing my own thing at the moment, living my own life, and doing as such without a guy involved would be a very good thing. But you know, whatever happens happens. It's a damn shame that Aaron is so freaking perfect for me on every single level known to mankind. Except for the whole I'm-a-mormon-going-on-a-mission bit.

Other than having that talk last night, I have been really good. Doing all sorts of nifty things. Learning to drive, starting to study for uni (no such thing as being too prepared after all) and just generally having fun. Went to the movies with The Ex not too long back, saw "After the sunset", which was actually a pretty decent flick. I'm not normally one for those kinds of movies, but seeing as he was getting me in for free, I let him pick what we went and saw. He always picks good movies though, ones that I don't normally want to go and see because they sound boring, but end up being pretty darn good in the end. He was the reason I saw "Dirty Deeds", "Gothika", "Confessions of a dangerous mind", "The forgotten" and various other bits and peices. Well, okay, so "Not another teen movie" wasn't exactly thebest movie ever, but other than that he has awesome taste. I mean, I wouldn't have dated him if he wasn't. Not to mention that I for some reason find him the single most attarctive human being on earth.

Yeah, kinda doubting this whole temporary break up thing that we got happening. But I really do think it is for the best, I have a lot of things to sort out, and I think it is best that he, well, not be there for me to work through it and decide what I need at the moment. I just want to have time to become me again, the me that I was before all of this crap came down on my head.

I'm happy though, happy is good. I like happy. Yay me!

2005-01-20T18:43:00.000+10:30

I've been trying to find the motivation to post something, anything. And frankly, I got nothing. It's concerning, I always have something to say, it's what I do. Eh, whatever. *shrugs*

2005-01-19T18:32:00.000+10:30

Aaaaah! I goot a letter from Joshua! I'm so excited! He is in Brisbane now, onyl just left from New Zealand. It was so nice to get a letter. I think I nearly cried, really and truly. I miss him so much, he was such an awesome guy. Not that he isn't anymore, but I don't get to see him anymore, so you know... it made sense in the world of me.

I will do a big long entry tomorrow, I just don't feel up to it tonight. *hugs*

2005-01-17T23:53:00.000+10:30

Ack, seeing The Ex tomorrow, and I am far more nervous than should be. That is all I have to say at the moment.

2005-01-16T18:21:00.000+10:30

So here is the thing, Becky (my best friend) wasn't the one that was setting up the date at all. Aaron was setting up the date. When Becky asked if I wanted to come, she was asking for Aaron, and the whole me telling her that Aaron had to come only reaffirmed everything for him. I found this out when Becky pulled out of the date, and I thought that it was cancelled, and then Aaron called me and told me that it wasn't, and told me that he was the one that had set it up in the first place. I don't know, it made me smile. It felt like back in high school, when you would be all secretive about whether or not you liked someone.

I don't know, I don't know what I think of him yet. I mean, he is an awesome guy, really intelligent, he makes me smile, and he's just plain thoughtful. Did I mention that he also has glasses? Well, he only has to wear them when he's reading, but still, there is a pattern. Damn glasses, what is it that makes them hot!? But anyhow, he is an excellent guy, and like I said in an earlier entry, he is perfect for me in just about every single way, except for the part where he is a mormon that is going on his mission in a couple of months for two years. But other than that minor fact...

Why can I never pick the right guy? I get guys that cheat on me, guys that move out of the country, guys with odd religious callings, guys that I just cannot make it work with. I know that relationships are supposed to be hard, but come on! As if you can go through this many guys and not find one that is just nice to be with? Does every single relationship have to end badly? Why on earth can't you just have a nice relationship with someone and end it if it needs to be ended? But you know, that is prolly an insane thing to wish. I'm only 19, how on earth is it right for me to be thinking things like this when I'm only 19? I am just shitty at getting lots of crap served up to me by the wrong people.

But last night was lots of fun anyway. After work I roamed around the shops for a few hours, and went down to the other store to get my payslip, then went back to the mall and shopped some more (I'm an insanely good shopper, it is almost scary). I got a phone call from Kyran, who was one of the people that was going on the date with us, who wanted to know where to pick me up from. I had just been hanging out with Rowen at work whilst he was waiting to do close, so I told them to meet me at the motor registry, which was all of 50 metres from work. So I went there and sat down in front of the registry, where I read through my payslip and reset all of the alarms on my phone until they showed up.

Aaron looked hot. He has the uncanny ability to do that. The first time I met him he was dressed up because he had just come from a wedding and didn't have time to get changed. The second time I met him was at a ball (formal mormon dance, I was there with Becky-bear and ran into him briefly), for which he wore a suit, but yesterday he was just dressed in jeans and a shirt, and he looked really hot. Hotter when he had to put on his glasses. Gosh I suck sometimes. I admire men far too easily for my own good! It was nice to just catch up with him, even though I didn't really meet him that long ago!

Anyhow, we all went down to the bay, because we had some time to kill, and since Aaron, Kyran and Donna live in a totally different town, we decided that the beach was a good thing. I cannot imagine living in a town that isn't anywhere near the beach, it would be insane, totally and utterly insane. I'd die without the beach, even if I don't go there all the time, it's just nice knowing that I can go anytime that I want to. But yeah, we went down to the bay and walked along the beach for an hour or so, in which time Aaron and Kyran became fascinated by these stupid little crabs. I spent the time getting to know Donna, who I had never met before. She's a lovely girl, just nice and talkative and smart. I hate having to explain the things that I say to people, and she clocked onto it all straight away. It was good.

We eventually headed back to the car and drove into the city to find one of the Japanese restaurants that I had on my little list of restaurants. The first one on the list was shut, which wasn't cool. The second one we couldn't find, but the last one was open and one that we could find, so it was all good.

Eating at a Japanese restaurant with three people that have never really had Japanese food is a really interesting experience. I've spent time in Japan, so it was really nothing that exotic to me, but to Aaron, who hadn't even had steamed rice, it was something really new and different. Poor guy couldn't even use chopsticks. I wanted to hug him. Hugging is good. We ended up getting California rolls, Teriyaki chicken rolls, tuna rolls, sukiyaki and yakitori, not to mention all of the steaming rice. It was an awesome meal, and REALLY filling (as Japanese food tends to be). I also had lots of Orange Juice. Because Orange Juice goes best with sushi, I promise.

After we were done in the restaurant, watching Aaron eating sushi with his fingers because he had given up on chopsticks and getting Donna to eat seaweed, which prior to last night she would rather die than eat, we decided to go for a walk to let our dinners settle. We ended up going for a walk down by the river that runs through the city at which point we split into two groups, me and Aaron, and Donna and Kyran. Aaron and I ended up sitting on the river bank for nearly three hours talking about anything and everything. He told me that ever since he first met me he was fascinated by me. I was flattered. It's not often that someone uses the term 'fascinated', I felt pretty special. Apparently ever since I said "I'm sorry, I don't know you so I can't say hello", he was just totally and utterly smitten with me (who would have thought that refusing to say 'hi' had such a high success rate?). Kinda chose that moment to make sure that he knew that right at the moment, I'm not really able to get into a relationship of any kind, maybe in a few weeks or something, but not at the moment. I need to figure some things out by myself before I go running into a semi-serious-relationship, the same things that I needed to figure out when I broke up with The Ex.

He took that really well actually. Probably because in the midst of all of it, I said that I found him attractive, well, incredibly attractive, and that were I not in the place I am in at the moment, I would more than likely date him in a heartbeat. But I also had to bring up the whole, even if we did start seeing each other, I'd still have this thing with The Ex, and he would still be leaving for his mission just after his birthday. So anythign that we did have couldn't possibly be serious, because 2 and a half months simply isn't enough time for me to fall so in ove with someone that I would wait 2 years for them. Emotions are hard.

He gave me a shell that he had found at the beach too, which was really sweet. It was so pretty as well, I don't know, it was yet another one of those early-high-school moments that just made me smile and giggle and act like I was 14 all over again. It was a nice present though, one of the nicest that I have gotten in a while, possibly because it is one of the few that I have ever gotten that isn't worth any money, it was just a nice thought, followed by a nice gesture. Nothing flashy, just a small and simple gift. He follwed that one up by telling me how I was the only girl that he has ever been interested in that hasn't been a member of his church, and the only one that he had ever become so infatuated with so fast. You know, if not for my hideous inabilty to stabilise my life and relationships, this year so far would ahve been great for me picking up guys. Totally wonderful I swear to god.

We eventually caught up with Kyran and Donna and went to our next destination, which was this little cafe up north that is famous for it's decor. It's just the coolest little place on earth, mainly there to serve desserts and all, but it just has the most amazing atmosphere that you could possibly imagine. It's all really squashed in, but it is just the best. THE BEST.

I got home at about 1 in the morning, and nearly stole Aaron's jumper in the process. That was quite amusing. But it was a good time. We're prolly going to do something similar sometime soon, but yes, it was cool, as shown by the fact that I wrote this massive long blog entry about the whole thing. I've just been feeling inspired tonight, what more can I possibly say? Well, asides from the obvious, which happens to be all about my fear of getting attached to someone that I know is going away for such a long period of time. It sucks, because he is such an amazing guy. *shrugs* Oh well, cest la vie.

Anyhow, love to all, take care.

2005-01-14T21:18:00.000+10:30

I'm actually kinda psyched for tomorrow night. Going on yet another double date with my best friend, another random guy that she picked up, and Aaron. When she told me that she wanted me to go with her again, I made sure to tell her that she had to ask Aaron to go. He's good company, and a really nice guy. I am pretty darn certain that I could spend hours on hours with him, and not have to worry too much about making a total fool of myself. I have a very high opinion of him, we were going to catch up sometime next week, so going on another double date will prolly make for some good fun.

Lachie called today, and we are going to be meeting up again on tuesday, he wants to go to the movies, and decided that he wanted to take me (I'm the only person he ever takes to the movies, it's like our thing). I'm thinking to make him take one of his friends along too, mostly because I don't want anything unseemly to happen. We're supposed to be trying out this friends thing, even though it has never worked in the past. But you know, we'll see what ends up happening. Everything turns out okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it is not the end.

I have also made plans to go and see the hot manager dude that I call Kevin in this here blog. I swear, I'm whoring myself out as a friend more and more and more and more every single day. Not that it is a bad thing, I need to be able to do my own thing, and see all of my own friends, build a life seperate to the one that I had created with The Ex.

Today would have been my one year anniversary with Russell. Funny that I didn't think of that till about 10 minutes ago. Yay me! See! I am sooooooo in the land of over-him. I was watching an episode of Sex and the City the other night, and Charlotte was saying that it takes exactly half of the length of the relationship to get completly over the guy in question. So say you were with someone for 3 months, it would take you one and a half months to get over them. Just something that I thought I would announce to the world, but it is certainly an interesting theory. Thuogh, I don't want to spend five months getting over some loser that didn't know a good thing when it hit him. I suppose it varies a little depending on the person.

"Entirely incidentally, a little-known fact about Shakespeare is that his father moved to Stratford-upon-Avon from a nearby village shortly before his son's birth. Had he not done so, the Bard of Avon would instead be known as the rather less ringing Bard of Snitterfield." - Bill Bryson

That made me smile. Bill Bryson always makes me smile. If there is anyone that is yet to read 'Down Under', read it now. It is a wonderful book.

Skids keeps pouncing on me. *cries* Someone make him stop!

2005-01-13T18:13:00.000+10:30

I am so very, very bored at the moment. Everything is just... nice. I don't know, nice kind of sucks. I like exciting, I like interesting, hell, I think I'd even take thing turning to shit over just plain nice. There is nothing to do when things are just nice. I went out with The Ex today (Well, he cannot be Mr Perfect anymore!), which was... you guessed it, nice. We just went and had coffee, well, in my case a strawberry milkshake, and just talked. Nothing dramatic went down, which would probably be a first for the two of us.

So here's the thing, the thing that has been bugging me for days. If you care about someone really deeply and passionately, and want nothing but the best for them, and you know that you are bad for them. Do you let them go? Even if you know that without them, you could be ruining the one great thing in your life? It's one of those things that just confuses me a great deal. I just find it hard to imagine this personw ith anyone else. We had to split for the time being, because I knwo for a fact that at the moment, I am virtually intolerable. I'm very much a demanding person at the moment, and I tend to get a little moody. I don't want to put im through another month of me being a moody little cow. So a break. Hopefully it'll all work out in the end. Who knows?

I'm going to go and stop wallowing in my own self pity. Do the recognising thread at SoV. lol

Love to all

2005-01-12T18:22:00.000+10:30

Does it strike anyone as wrong that two days after I break up with my boyfriend, I am hanging out with my ex boyfrined more than what can normally be considered healthy? Well, not THAT much, but an awful lot. He got back in contact with me not long after we broke up, and since we've gone to the movies, had dinner, spent hours on the phone, that sort of thing. I don't know, it is nothing but purely platonic on my part, but it could well be something esle on his part. Who knows?

There was a firestorm not too far away yesterday, that was really bad. 9 people died. It was actually nicredibly hot, I had no choice but to go down the beach and bake myself for a while. It's going to be hot tomorrow as well. I love summer, such cool weather. Well, not really, the weather is really hot, but cool. I'm sure someone out there knows what the hell I'm talking about.

Things are going well though, I haven't had any sort of nervous breakdown, or tried to do anything drastic, so things are looking up at the moment for me being able to be independent, and not having to learn on my boyfriend for support every step fo the way. I actually have enough confidence in myself to be able to go out by myself and not worry about me going totally and utterly off-my-face suicidal. So there you go, yay me! I don't actually have anything much to say today, I just felt the need to write something... going to do a lyrics post. In eight days it will make perfect sense I promise. Might repost it in eight days too.

Love to all

Ten Days
Missy Higgins

So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
If I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
Tried letting go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home, yeah,
You're still the only one that feels like home,
You're still the only one I've gotta love.
Oh yeah...

2005-01-09T20:52:00.000+10:30

It's official. We are no longer together. *nods* Just thought that I would announce that to the world. My whole idea of maybe not having a serious relationship at the moment was one that Mr Perfect agreed with, and so we have decided for the time being to be friends, and that it is okay for each other to pursue what we like to term as 'fun relationships'. I don't know if I will or not, but whatever we do, if by Aril we still want to be together, we're going to give it a shot. So there you go, I'm boyfriendless and fancy free now. Lets see how it all pans out.

2005-01-09T16:33:00.000+10:30

Okay, first up is the compulsory pictures part of this entry, complete with two pictures of my for all those that want to see them. The first one was taken at Christmas by my dad. I had only just gotten out of my pyjamas, because mum would have freaked out if I was in them in that photo. I'm actually still wearing a pair of black boxers, but don't tell anyone that. The first photo is here. The second photo was my blowing out the candles for my nineteenth birthday, I had a really cool cheesecake with strawberries and strawberry jelly on the top. That picture is here.

Well, I had a really nice time again last night. And once again it was without my boyfriend present. He comes to see me during the day, which is nice, but he is always working of a night, so I tend to go out. I don't like being at home with no noe but myself. I truly think that I am past my wanting-to-kill-myself problems, I have been up and perky lately, and I haven't felt bad at all. But still, the fact that the problem was there remains constantly in the back of my mind. I keep on thinking about what could happen if I saw something that had the potential to trigger me off again, would it actually work, or would it just be a non-issue? I suppose I cannot really know until it happens. But anyhow, had a really good, fun, nice time last night with the guy that I went out with on New Years, who I randomly called Kevin in that entry, so in this entry, I shall call him the same thing. Anyhow, around about 8ish, he called me up (on our home phone none the less! He actually went into the phone book and looked up our home phone number because he had lost my mobile number) and asked me if I wanted to go out. Naturally, given that I was just spending the night at home, and kinda really wanted to get out of the house, I said yes, and proceeded to get ready to go out. I am eternally thankful that he lives like, 40 minutes away from me, so I had time to have a shower and all that.

He called me at about 8:40 saying that he had stopped at a video store on the way, and had only just gotten back to the car (the video store he went to was right next to where he lives, so you know, he was still a long way off getting to my place). He said that he would try and be as quick as possible (which, in that ute of his, beautiful creature that it is, could well have been very fast indeed), so I sat around home, ate some pasta and watched the concert that was put on last night. Then at 9:20 I got ANOTHER phone call, which was him again telling me that he had gotten lost. So i talked him through where he was going, and by 9:40, nearly 2 hours after he had called me the first time and told me that he would only be 40 minutes, he was at my place.

We headed on back to his place, and we didn't get lost, which was cool. He had hired Hellboy though, which isn't exactly the best choice that you can make in the way of a movie, but you know, whatever, it didn't really concern me. On the way we also picked up some drinks, mainly a 6 pack of UDLs and 8 Smirnoff's at the 24 hour bottlo. We got back to his place at around 10:30, which yeah, 2 and a half hours after the original phone call. That kinda sucked a bit, but what can you do? Kevin made a kick-arse curry for me though, which was awesome, it was a lamb curry, and really nice and hot. I love hot food, it is the best. We had a few drinks with dinner, and had some apple pie for dessert. It was strange in a way I suppose, because here I am, in this guy's house, eating pie and curry, and acting like pretty much the perfet little domestic couple. This also being the guy that on New Years told me that he wanted me. It was just an odd feeling, like the one that I was getting after the double date. Just that feeling of 'why I am in this relationship that is so clearly bad for me when I could be with someone else?'.

We went and watched Hellboy, which was mediocre at the very best, just like I thought it would be. The only good part of the movie was the very end of the credits when the older FBI dude is still standing there going 'hello?'. That was about it. We had a few drinks as well, resulting in me getting slightly tipsy, I seem pretty prone to doing that lately, don't know why. But yeah, all in all it was a pretty good night, I had a really nice time, just hanging out wiht someone that I don't know all that well and getting to know them better. He's a pretty good guy, certainly one I would consider dating if I wasn't in a relationship.

Which brings me to my relationship withgood ol' Mr Perfect. I'm starting to get mroe and more serious about breaking up with him. I have asked him why he is with me at the moment, what it is that is keeping him with me at the moment. My heart melts every single time he says 'Because I love you'. I know that I love him, but I don't know if right now is the time for me to be in a serious relationship with anyone, and that si the only kind of relationship we can ever have, becauseof our feelings for each other. Right now I just want someone that I can see on weekends, have fun with, that sort of thing. I don't know, maybe am being selfish, but in the long run, it could save us both if we just went our own seperate ways for a little while, and if, in a couple of months, we still want each other, we can get back together. It's all really confusing, and it is driving me insane.

And, finally, just because I needed to write this down, Australia - you rock. $20 million in 3 hours is an incredible achievement, and every single person that donated some money should be really poud of themselves, that $20 million is going on top fo the $120 million already donated by private citizens and the $1 billion given by the government. We should be proud to call ourselves Australians, and to all of the aid workers and soldiers in the tsunami effected parts of Asia at the moment, you guys are the best peoplpe in the world. Keep it up.

That is all I have to say for the moment.

Love to all.

2005-01-08T14:10:00.000+10:30

You know what is worrying? What is worrying is when you reluctantly go on a double date with your best friend, her boyfriend and some guy that you have never met that they have picked out for you, and end up having an incredibly awesome time and find yourself weirdly attracted to the guy that they picked even though you have a boyfriend. That was what happened to me last night. I went on a double date with my best friend, her boyfriend and the random friend that they had decided I would be able to tolerate for the evening.

I had an incredibly awesome time. The guy that they decided to take along was just the coolest guy that I have ever met, and it was just soooooooooo much fun. I don't know what it as about the whole thing, but it had me quite a bit happier than I have been for a long time. We went to one of those sushi trains in town, which was just awesome fun. Watching Aaron, the guy that they had taken along to keep me entertained, trying to get the sushi off the little carriages was just the funniest thing sine Monty Python. The best part about it was that the servings were relatively small, so he kept on having to go and get more. He acutally had to FOLLOW the train around to get what he wanted. Made me giggle.

Then we headed off to the movies and saw 'Finding Neverland', which, I am pleased to report, is just as good the second time around. Though, Johnny Depp's eyeliner is really not going anywhere anytime soon. Honestly, the first time I saw the movie it kept me distracted the whole time. The second time it was just as bad, mostly because I kept trying not to notice it. I pointed it out to Aaron, and apparently I ruined the whole movie for him, because after that all he could notice was Johnny Depp and his eyeliner. After that we headed up to a little Indian place and got some dessert. It was the coolest place in the world I swear, very much designed for couple, but just the nicest little place. The people were friendly, and the food was awesome. I think by this stage, Aaron and I were getting along better than my best buddy and her date, which was quite amusing considering the situation. We just found that we had an awful lot in common that we could blab about.

I swear, did I not have a boyfriend, this guy would have been perfect for me, every single little thing about him just screams perfect for me. More so than the ever-so-wonderful Mr Perfect. I mean, hell, if I was the kind of girl that took on two boyfriends at once, I would have gone for Aaron. Thankfully, I'm not. That sort of thing only ends in bad situations and people trying to kill themselves (seriously, see my recent mental traumas and inability to remain mentally stable for more than 3.25 seconds). He is almost insanely attractive, always a good thing, has this brilliant sense of humour, like a tonne of things that I like, and it is just really, really, really easy to talk to him about any and everything. We pretty much known each others life story now, which is a little bit weird, i'm normally a pretty closed up kind of person when I first meet someone. I mean, I'm friendly enough, and do wonderfully with the small talk, but it usually takes a couple of meetings for me to have a conversation of any sort of real significance with anyone. It's a thing.

I exchanged phone numbers with Aaron so that we could get together and do soemthing sometime, and after the guys left, my friend and I went to the Cafe Villi's nearby and got some pies and donuts (I'm forcing myself to randomly eat you see). It's a 24 hour cafe, and VERY yummy. I got a curry beef pie which just tasted excellent, and then we drove home. We didn't actually get home till about 3 in the morning, and I think I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I woke up three hours later to the sound of my alarm clock going off. As always, I went to turn it off. That was when I realised that if I moved, I had a sudden sharp, horrific pain running up and down my back. I knew what it was, it didn't really take that long to fiigure it out. I have been having little problems here and there with my back all week, and it had finally hit a breaking point. I yelled out to dad to come and help me, and he got my phone for me, which I used to ring my boss to tell him there was no way come hell or high water that I would be coming in to work that day. It took an hour or so, but eventually I managed to get out of bed, after gzzling some painkillers and the like.

I think that is all I have to say for the time being... so....

Love to all!

2005-01-08T13:49:00.000+10:30

Because of You
Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

2005-01-06T20:59:00.000+10:30

Why does Lara have fans and not me? It's all very upsetting. I need fans. If anyone wants to be a fan of me, please, let me know. I need to beat Lara! It's a worthy cause, wouldn't want her head to get too big now would we? Though, granted, it would be funny to see her try and walk through a doorway with a huge head... but that is just my sick, sick imagination coming into play.

I've been feeling ill when I eat again in the past few days, I have started to drop weight again as well. I know that it isn't good, my BMI is still plummeting, and I am seriously considering going to the doctor to find out what the fuck is going on. Or at least give me soemthing that will trigger my appetite again. I need to eat, I keep telling myself that, but whenever I do, it just goes wrong. Less than a month ago I was 50 kg. I got up to 55, which is just on normal weight, and now I have dropped to 49kg. 49 is freaking scary. I need to put on weight, I need to. i know that I need to, it's just a matter of getting my appetite back. It's so much harder to put weight on than it is to take it off. It's crazy.

I have to go to another mormon function tomorrow night, which I am looking forward to. *ponders* I have to work tomorrow as well,a nd go down to the other store to finalise the work cover stuff. Cannot wait for everything to be done and good and everything all worked out. It will make me happy.

I haven't done a lyrics post for a while... might do that soonish.

Love to all

2005-01-05T23:42:00.000+10:30

and the cutest pink journal that closes with a magnet flap. It's baby pink (I plan on chasing Lori around with it the next time I get to see her) with a little velvet black purse on the front. I saw it, it reminded me of Kimmy (hugs!), and I had to get it. =^_^=

I love you Krissy! Sorry, I just had to share that with the whole world, because I could. *grins*

2005-01-04T20:36:00.000+10:30

I feel odd. I feel like I'm about to hit that breaking point again. I don't think it is the kind of breaking point that is going to be bad though. It feels like everything is going really well, it feels like I'm finally going to break myself out of the last few months, certainly a good thing! I don't know, things are just feeling right at the moment. There is only one thing that just doesn't seem to fit right at the moment, which is my relationship with Mr Perfect.

It is funny to think that the one thing that probably helped to pull me out of the pit that I found myself in is the one thing that just doesn't seem to fit at the moment. Thing is, is that I know that regardless of whether or not it is right now, within a matter of weeks, it will be perfect again. That is how our relationship has worked ever since we met each other. We seem to have the unique ability to virtually destroy each other, but at the same time, I could not ever see myself with anyone else. We kill each other, but we cannot live without each other. For 3 years now this has been happening. 3 years we have been doing this, and we still haven't figured it out. I have tried so many times to get him out of my life, and yet no matter how hard I try, he is always there when I need someone, he is always there to catch me when I fall, even if he was the one that caused the fall in the first place.

It's strange, when you know that something could well end up totally and utterly destroying you, but at the same time, you just don't have it in you to care. I have that at the moment, I don't care anymore. I do not care if I end up hurting myself, I'm living for every moment, and maybe that is dangerous, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters if you cannot be happy.

Anyhow, today I went to the other store to get my forms filled out so that I could get the money that work owes me. It's about freaking time. I hurt myself in September, and they're only just getting around to giving me the money! It annoys the poo out of me, but then again everything seems to be annoying the poo out of my lately, especially this blog layout. I want something new, I hate this one with a fiery vengeance. But yeah, I found out that one of the guys that I work with has a thing for me, which is nice and lfattering and all. and he is damn hot, I would normally go for it... but you know, boyfriend and all. Apparently one of Becky's friends also does (he's a Mormon, but also pretty damn cute). It's kinda nice, works for my whole validation thing.

I'm trying to stay awake to call Summer later tonight when she gets home. I haven't spoken to her for a couple of weeks, and I am dying to speak to her, I need to ask her opinion of a few things. God love that girl, she's the best! :D

2005-01-01T18:10:00.000+10:30

He is almost TOO good looking. It's just not fair. Why is it that someone that good looking is single and is interested in dating me only when I happen to have a boyfriend!? WHY!? *shrugs* I'm kind of over it, but at the same time, I kinda wish he had come along when I was with the other person. That would have made things much easier.

But anyhow, to New Years. I went out with the aforementioned hot guy, let's call him Kevin(yay, random name fun!), who happens to be a manager at the store I used to work at, and Joe, a manager from another store nearby. We went out to dinner at Cafe Primo, which was awesome, good food, nice atmosphere, it was all good. We were going to see 'Blade: Trinity', but the sessions at the cinema had been and gone, so we decided to go to our friend Maria's place instead. The party was awesome, had a few drinks, I think I ended up sending Lara about a million 'Happy New Year!' messages. But yeah, it was good fun. I was planning on not going out at all this year, because I had to work from 8:30 till 5:30 New Year's Day. But then Joe and Kevin invited me to New Years with them, and I simply couldn't turn it down, it just sounded like fun.

I only got half an hour sleep. Half a freaking hour. It kills me to even think about it!

Anyhow, I'll finish this later, now it is sleeping time for the girl with no sleep.

2004-12-30T21:59:00.000+10:30

I've been so busy that it is almost insane. INSANE. I haven't had time for anything, and I feel really bad about it. Thankfully I don't think that I really had that much to do anyway, so it shouldn't really be a big issue. Things are finally starting to look up even more. I got my new car, it's a little Mazda 121, and so cute that it is not funny! I just found a picture that is exactly like it! Colour and everything!
http://www.premium-autowerbung.de/pkw/bilder/12824.jpg
Isn't it just the cutest little thing ever? I love it, I fell in love with it when I first saw it, it is just perfect. Andit didn't cost too much either, only $5800. We managed to get the dealer down from $7200, which isn't a bad saving if you ask me. But yes, this entry was just to show off my new motor vehicle, yay me!

2004-12-28T16:48:00.000+10:30

I'm addicted to hurting myself. I am actually addicted to getting myself stomped all over by people. It seems to me like I enjoy nothing more than picking people to have around me that I know, one way or the other, are going to hurt me beyond comprehension. The amount of people that I have had around me in the past that have done nothing but hurt me is incredible. And the thing is, is that most of them are still around. I cannot seem to get enough of the pain and the hurt and the anguish that I feel when nothing works out.

Take my boyfriend for example. God knows I love him, I have loved him for so long, possibly far too long than what is healthy, but all being with him has ever done is tear me away from my friends, my family, and result in heartbreak. The amount of friends that I have sacrificed for him is almost mind boggling. I nearly lost my relationship with my parents because of him, and the fact that I could be heading down that road again terrifies me, but at the same time, I cannot tear myself from him, because my feelings for him are just too strong. At the moment, my feelings are just overpowering every fibre of my being. I do not seem to have any sort of rational control of myself and the way that I react to things. My body and mind have been thrown into this haywire, and I just cannot rationalise anything at the moment.

I am starting to think that is the source of the problems that I have been having. What happened to me triggered some sort of emotional meltdown for me, and at the moment, I am reacting to everything purely on gut instinct and not with a rational thought. Logic has just flown out the window for the time being. That could explain why I am with this person, someone that has in the past proven to do nothing but make me dependent on him and rip me away from my life so that I can become a part of his. I am being swallowed up by him again, and I don't understad why. i'm a powerful, strong willed person normally. Ask anyone, that is what they will tell you. But really, if he asked me to jump, my only answer would be "How high?"

So I thought about it, and in the end, all that I could come up with was maybe I don't love him, maybe I just hate myself. Maybe I hate what I have become, and by being this subserviant creature for him, I somehow change myself. I hate who I am, so I am becoming who he wants me to be. In the midst of my world collapsing around me, he is the only thing that is just standing still for the time being, and I have clung to it. Maybe I'm totally insane, but in the end, that is where this seems to be leading. It seems to be leading to me totally and utterly destroying the person that I used to love so much in favour of becoming what someone else wants me to be.

It all started with him, that guy that screwed me into the ground so much that I didn't know if I could ever stand up again. It started with him fucking someone else, his ex in fact. The ex that he had told me a thousand times that he hated, that he would never want to see again. He told me he loved me right up until the moment that I broke up with him, when it suddenly all became my fault. He didn't fucking well cry when I broke up with him, he just sat there, like it was no big deal. This girl that he had claimed to love, this person that he had treasured so much, had meant nothing to him. He lied, he had been lying since we were together. And you know what? That triggered something in there. In my mind, twisted thing that it is, it wasn't him that was totally fucked up, it was me. I was the one that wasn't good enough, how else could he not care? I thought it was me, and from there, everything went downhill.

I am over the 'it was all me' stage, but I still have this nagging sense of inferiority about every single little thing that I do. I had a guy come up to me today when I was trying on clothing, totally random, who told me that I looked hot. I told him that he must have been looking at the wrong girl. That is not me! I don't say things like that! I used to smile, act pretty and be all charming and lovely. My friends were stunned when I said it, it was just very much out of character, something that had they heard I said it from someone else, would have laughed and told them that they were all totally bonkers. Little things like that, little things seem to give away what is going on inside of my head at the moment. Just like little things seem to signal when I am going to have a panic attack and try and off myself. Came close the other day, I can never remember exactly what it is that triggers these things, but it reminded me of a time between Russell and myself, and something that had been said, and eventually my interpretation that if I killed myself, nothing would matter any more. The boyfriend brought me out of it. Apparently I start to breathe a little faster, pulling at my hair, and tend to curl into a little ball. He saw it happening, he hugged me, he told me he loved me, he told me that no matter what, everything was going to be okay, and nothing happened. It was like it brought me out of it, just hearing that soemone loved me, and cared for what happened to me.

Maybe he isn't the right guy for me, maybe that is why I always end up back in his arms, maybe that is why, no matter what, things will always invariably turn out totally fucked up between us. We are either together, or we hate eachother. We pretend to be friends, but we never are, it's just not us, and never will be. I don't know, we'll see how it turns out.

2004-12-26T19:07:00.000+10:30

Hah! Day after christmas! That's right, the day after Christmas, and I finally have all of my presents, and I got yet more nice, fun erotic presents from the boyfriend last night, which I will not go into massive amounts of detail here, but anyone that knows my handcuffs fetish will have a pretty good idea of how that all panned out for me! Just know that I had far too much fun for my own good, and that if I get more Christmas presents of the sort, I will possibly explode.

Worked today. We pulled $20000, which is amazing for our store, we never usually make $10000, so life is good. I got my $50 coles myer voucher from work, so I don't know what to spend it. Knowng me, more thank likely clothes or a handbag, because I'm a total and utter obssessive compulsive person when it comes to my wardrobe and accessories. Can you blame me?! Clothing is good! Clothes are good! And that is all that I have to say about that.

I have been dragged into going to Convention on Tuesday and to the Ball later in the week. Kyran wants to dance with me. It was quite cute. It's an onrunning joke you see, AGES ago when we were talking, dancing came up, and I said that I don't dance, and so ever since then he has been asking me to dance with him constantly. I figure that if I give in at a Mormon function, life will be good, and no one will get angry at me, because you know, mormons!

Anyhow, dinner time for me.

Love to all.

2004-12-25T17:08:00.000+10:30

It's Christmas Day! Christmas Day! YAY!

I just felt the need to share that tid bit of information with everyone before I started going into details! I have watched the entire first season of 'Sex and the City' today, which is almost depressing, but that is what you get when you get the Shoebox for Christmas! *squeals* I got the Shoebox for Christmas! I got that, an uber cute bag, which costs a freaking fortune, more than I would ever pay for a bag anyhow, U2's new CD, some new pjs, and 5 driving lessons. i also got the nicest little ring from Mr Perfect, who knows how to get everything! lol. It was a claddagh ring to replace the one that I lost a few months ago. Coming from an Irish family and all, I've actually had one since I was like, 10 or 11 or something stupid like that! But yeah, I lost the one that I had a couple of months ago, and he bought me a new one for Christmas! So cool! He also got me some other things that are probably best not mentioned here. *snickers* Just know that last night was a lot of fun (after mindnight of course. LOL!).

I went to Becky's place yesterday afternoon for their Christmas party, which was awesome fun. We jumped in the pool, had a BBQ, that sort of thing, it was awesome. Then myself, Chris, Kevin and Becky watched 'Doppleganger' (a movie that Brookey and Chy made for Becky's 18th birthday) and 'Sinbad'. I also found out that Kevin has a girlfriend! I was in shock! As if Kevin has a girlfriend! He is short and abnormally hairy (and coming from the girl dating someone not-exactly-tall and rather hairy, this is a little worrying). And, you know, heis a bit of an arsehole. It takes all kinds I suppose, but I never saw him gettnig a girlfriend before Becky got a boyfriend.

Becky's problem is that she needs to stop being friends with guys. She gives off the 'you want to be my best friend' kind of vibe, and it had resulted in all the guys she likes deciding that she would be a better friend than girlfriend. I don't know, I am no master at guy logic, but I do hasve a rather long track record of guys, and once they decide that you're a friend, that is all you will ever be. She just needs to be more confident in herself. She's a pretty girl, but she just doesn't put in the time or effort to make herself even prettier. Honestly, she'd be a knockout if only she gave it a little. I mean, come on, she is sweet, nice, talkative, really smart and pretty, what more does a guy want!? *rolls eyes* Stupid mormon boys.

I got two new T-shirts yesterday, both pink with white lettering. One reads 'Love the OC' and the other 'Paris for president'. So cool. I have a thing for shirts with little slogans on them lately, I blame Britney entirely. Damn trendsetters. I suppose it is all good though, I look cute in the shirts. About 90% of all the weight I lost came off either my stomach or my thighs (which shocked me) and my boobs have stayed the same size. So now I have a REALLY nice stomach and big boobs... how can I go wrong!?

The depression thing has been going well lately. Mr Perfect hasn't been letting me out of his sight, and if he has, he has made certain that I am constantly surrounded by people so that nothing goes wrong. He has spoken to my family, so I'm never alone at home anymore, not until it's official that things are okay in my head. I've been hanging around with Becky a lot lately, mostly becase she doesn't treat me like the freak that tried to kill myself numerous times. Everyone else treats me very carefull, because they're scared anything that they say could have me in the bathroom slashing at my wrists. Not true by the way. Nothing anyone says to me can make that happen. It just happens when something clicks in my head and reminds me of what has gone on, brings back those feelings of inadequecy. And when those feelings are coming, nothing si going to stop it, I just need someone to stay with me so that I don't do anything that I might regret later (if I live to see later). But I'm getting there, things are really good at the moment, I'm actually happy for once, no lingering thoughts of bad things, nothing to pressure me. Life is going well!

Anyhow, Merry Christmas everyone!

Love to all.

2004-12-23T07:11:00.000+10:30

So it is 7:11 in the morning, and I am writing in my blog, does anyone else find that rather depressing? There is a justifiable reason for it though. I had to go to the airport. Joshua has finally gone on his mission. I'm going to miss him so much, heck, I even cried. He was so cool, and he's going to miss the third Star Wars movie! (for Ua, that is a huge thing, trust me!) I still cannot believe that I cried, I really and truly didn't think that I would. Even though I adore the guy and we were pretty good friends, I didn't consider that I was close enough to be crying when he left! We all gave him a 'little black book' with letters from all of us in it and our addresses so that he can write to us when he gets to New Zealand (promptly followed by Brisbane). We also gave him some little Missionary Men, which we made in the car. Jess cut them out at work the day before and we coloured them in on the way there. They're so cute!

But yes, I had to get up at 3:30 this morning to get ready by 4:45 so that Jess and Becky could pick me up and we could be at the airport by 5:20. I went to bed at 12:30, so yeah, kinda running on 3 hours of sleep at the moment, which just isn't good. I am thinking to take a nap before I go to work. Naps are goooooooooood.

On Tuesday night we had Joshua's farewell party, which was a lot of fun actually. I got dropped off there (because I'm not allowed to be by myself at the moment and all, I have to be driven everywhere) and we brought food and drink and all sorts of nifty things. We watched the version of The Matrix that Kyle, Joshua and Brad had written, which was so very, very cool. It's always funny to see your friends standing on the roof of a moving car having a fight! We couldn't help but laugh and smile and generally be happy about the whole thing. I spent most of the night talking to Kyran, who came and sat down next to me while we were watching the movie and started poking me. So of course that turned into a two hour conversation. I also spent a tonne of time with Ua, given that he was the dude going away.

So all in all it has been a good few days. Busy as all hell, but good fun. Between work, farewell parties and sleeping, I have had virtually no time. But at the same time, at least it has been keeping me from going off my rocker again! Anyhow, I'm going to go and get some sleep....

Love to all, miss you heaps already Joshie! *hugs Ua*

2004-12-20T19:40:00.000+10:30

Today was interesting to say the least. An up and down day where nothing and everything seem to make sense at once. I skipped from happy and cheery to downright depressed and awful on and off during the day, it was worst just after I got home from work, but I will explain that in a little bit. First up I need to type a few things so that they will be publised for the whole wide interenet to see. I know that the person that they are meant to be for will never read these words, because, you know, doesn't really know and/or care for the internet. So, here goes.

I love you. I have loved you for so long, and I have never stopped. I have never been able to. No matter how bad everyone says that you are for me, you are the only person that has ever made me truly happy with everything in my life. You are the only person in the world that I could ever want to be with, the only person that it makes sense for me to be with. You have saved me so many times that I have lost count. You have pulled me back when I have gone into places that I shouldn't have. You have stood by me, listened to me and tried to help me even in the darkest times of my life. I am nothing without the strength that you give me. I love you, and always will.

And now that I have said that, I suppose I should get back to the issue at hand, the one where I did it again. I did that thing where I hit a point. I hit it and I just went off the wall. I just got off the bus, walked into the house, went to the medicine cabinet, took whatever I could find and started to put it down my throat. I just wasn't myself, it was like I was there but I wasn't. It hasn't happened in so long, and I have no idea what happened to trigger that kind of behaviour in me. I was supposed to get home at 4, and Lachie was supposed to be picking me up at 4:15. I got home at 4:10, and he showed up right on time. He walked in (because he has a key, which I gave him and haven't told my folks about), right in the middle of my lets-take-as-many-pills-as-I-can-get-into-my-system-athon. The next couple of minutes is a bit of a blur, all I know is that I ended up over the toilet throwing up everything in my stmoach. I was lucky. He took me to the hospital straight afterwards to make sure that everything was okay, which it is. I was lucky. Really lucky.

I have an appointment with a doctor in a couple of days, and Mr Perfect is staying with me. He doesn't want me left alone at all until I go to the doctors. When I had to go to the hospital for the overnighter, they kind of assumed that I took an action that I shouldn't have, that it was an accident or something. But I keep slipping back into this twisted pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and I can see why it is worrying him so much. I am pertrifried of it myself, and I want it to stop. I want to understand why I keep on trying to destroy myself. I don't want to die. Everyone that knows me knows that I love being alive far too much to want to kill myself. But for some reason it keeps on happening, and I need it to stop. I need it to stop now.

So yeah, the next few days might be interesting. I just need to be around people, constantly. My parents don't know about this afternoon. Hopefully they won't find out... I cannot help but feel that they would be disappointed in me. They know I'm stronger than I have been. Hell, even I know that I am stronger than I have been. I just need to start showing it. I have made it this far, I can make it further if I keep on pushing myself to do it.

Love to all

2004-12-19T18:45:00.000+10:30

I hate stupid people.
I hate stupid people.
I hate stupid people.

You think if I say it enough they will maybe go away? Stupid people piss me off more than anything else in the world, and it seems as though work was full of them today. And you know, Christmas trading being what it is, it was stressful enough without having to put up with a bucnh of dickweeds that walk into the store, acting like they know everything about cars and then asking me what fucking oil filter suits their vehicle. There is a book that gives every fucking model of car and the oil filter suitable... LEARN TO FUCKING READ! Honestly, the laziness of some of these people is incredible. They're willing to stand there looking like a doped up fish while someone scrolls down the list for the, but fucked if they could do it themselves. God it pisses me off.

I got Mr Perfect to come and pick me up from work, just because I really, really, really, really, really needed a hug. I think I might have cried when I got it. I have started crying when I get stressed, and I just needed that hug so very, very much. Everything goes away when he hugs me, everything just ceases to exist, and that is just what I need at the moment. I need things to just go away and not be making me think. Thinking I have discovered, is the enemy. When I think about things, I overanalyse them, and it sends me spiralling into the not-so-good place where I try and swallow razor blades. Aparently I just have to find a way to turn that part of my brain off, so to speak. I need to teach myself to stop thinking things over so much that it drives me insane. I have it in me to get there, but it is a matter of not slashing at my wrists in the mean time, which has proven to be a fun task. I know that my issues are cureable, buecause I can admit that I have them. And that is the first step right?

I am happy at the moment though. Really happy. Things are looking up again, which can only be a good thing! And only 6 days till Christmas! So excited! I get Sex and the City Shoebox, really nice bag worth like uber big amounts of money, PJs and the new U2 CD. I'm psyched for it! And I got everyone else really nice presents, so Christmas is going to be totally and utterly awesome!

Had my work Xmas party last night, which was interesting. I haven't had any alcohol since July, and lets just say that I got a little bit tipsy. Not enough that I was loud, verbose and generally obnoxious to everyone around me, but enough that I was very happy and sometimes had trouble standing up without being really dizzy. However, I managed to stay on my feet and didn't make an idiot of myself. So I officially declared the night a success! Yay! And the potato salad was just so good. LB and WR were there too, being all coupley. They 'came out' you see, after LB moved back to another store. They're moving in together in a couple of weeks, which is pretty exciting, it's a nice house too. REALLY nice. I went and had a look at it with LB the other day, totally gorgeous and near the beach too.

Anyhow, I think I am done for the time being. Nothing interesting is happening and I have to call up the mormons and organise Ua's farewell party on Tuesday.

2004-12-17T16:22:00.000+10:30

I got my L's! I got my L's! I can now learn to drive! Sure, it's a little sad that I am 19 and I only just got my Learner's Permit, but that is not the point, the point is that I went in there and GOT IT (the first time around too, which is no mean feat! It's a hard test)! Well, really, the reason that I got it the first time around was because when I went and handed it to the guy, the pointed out one that I had gotten wrong in the section that you're not supposed to get anything wrong in and said "You might want to check that one" and so I did, and realised it was wrong and changed it so that I got it right.

I love that guy. I nearly hugged him, because everything else was fine, and if I bummed on ONE question, I was going to scream. So I have my L's now, and can start taking driving lessons, which is just plain awesome! So now I have a car, and am legally allowed to drive it! Things are looking up for me!

And, on a side note, I didn't mean you Skids! Honest! I meant someone else, someone that isn't at SoV. But if you want to push me into posting some more, give it a shot... I dare you. ;) *hugs* I still love ya sweetie.

And now onto today, which was a very hot day filled with bus rides and music blaring into my ears. I think that was most of the day actually. I woke up at 9:30, had a shower, caught a bus at 10:30, which took me into town. Got into town at 11:30, went to the uni there and managed to convince them that I didn't owe them $40 in student fees because a) don't go to that uni, and b) I withdrew in August. Eventually they believed me which was nice, but I don't think that they were too happy about the whole thing. Last time I cross-institutional study. Except for next year when I start doing Japanese. Stupid Japanese.

So I walked down North Terrace till I got to Parliament House and then went to find a bus to take me to the Motor Registry near me. I only had to wait for about 10 minutes, and so at 11:58 I boarded a bus to where I needed to go, that got me there at 12:50. I get off the aforementioned bus and head over to the Motor Registry, where I got my L's and promptly squealed like a little girl on the phone to virtually everyone that I knew, and then went aross the street to work, where I squealed to them as well and got my L Plates. Yay me!

By the time I had done that, I had missed the 2:30 bus home by about 2 minutes, so I hopped on a loop bus that took me to MY university, which I got to at about 3:00. I quickly ducked in and dropped off my enrolment forms for next year so I can get back to the uni-fun that I have been missing so much. In the mean time I was getting angry because my phone was going off every five minutes ebcause the people I had messaged to tell them I got my L's all started to message me back. Then I jumped on the 3:17 bus home, and got home at 4. And that has been my day. Couple that with a 38C degree day (100F), and you have a very hot, very tired and very dehydrated Kimmy. But I got everything done that needed to be done, so all is good. *hugs everyone* I feel like hugging people.

Love to all.

2004-12-16T19:46:00.000+10:30

Next person to pressure me into doing anything gets their head ripped off. Pressure me to post anywhere, I'll rip your head off, pressure me to do a fucking character sig for you, and I'll rip your head off. That is all. I'm stroppy. Because yes, I hate it. I hate it when I am trying to have a normal conversation with someone and they harp on saying 'When are you going to post?', 'Are you reading the posts yet?', or the worst one, after I have actually already posted and don't want to do it again, 'Can you reply?'. So from now on, anyone that pressures me to post in a thread will deal with evil bitch Kimmy. I'm taking time out of my life to do all of this, and if I cannot do it as often as other people want, that is their problem. I just don't like being ordered around, especially when I have given warning that I won't be around much, because I have a lot of personal things to go through myself.

I don't know, I suppose it is just people being selfish, like I am being selfish by telling everyone to back the hell off. People are by nature selfish beings, and that is fine, but frankly my I-starve-myself-and-have-tried-to-off-myself-numerous-times issues take more priority to me than someone else's wanting to write a reply to something that I have written. Is that such a crime? I think not.

I just thought that I would warn everyone that now is not a good time to mess with me. I woke up feeling a little bit on edge today. Thankfully I had a certain person there to calm me down a little. I don't know why I woke up so angry, I just did. I'm feeling really on edge at the moment. It's funny, though probably left over from my recent spat of mental episodes. But yes, just a warning to anyone that tries anything on me... I am ready and willing to tear your face off.

Today is my rant day. I just felt the need to rant about things, to get angry about things, and to get them off my chest, without naming names of course, but I'm pretty sure that the people I am talking about will know who they are. I don't think I'm good at being cryptic, and because of that, I have to be good at confrontation, because that inevitably results from inability to hide things. I don't mind, I like confrontation. In my eyes it is the best way to work out anything, just confront the issue at hand and sort it out. Just tackle the damn thing. It doesn't need to be a monster, you just have to take it one step at a time. That is what I have been trying to do myself, tackle eveything one step at a time, and some people cannot seem to see it.

One thing I am sick of is people turning around and saying "I know exactly how you feel" or "If you want to talk, talk to me". First and foremost I understand that these people are trying to make me feel better, but telling me that they knew exactly how I feel is not how to do it. They don't know how I feel because they're not me. They have not lived my life, they are not me, so they cannot possibly know how things affect me. They can only know how they would feel in my position. And secondly, if I wanted to talk to that person in particular, I would be doing it. I do not have a problem asking for help anymore, not when it comes to this sort of thing. I know I need help, and have been for the past month and a half. But I also know who to go to for help. I know who will be there for me.

Just to inject some love into this entry, because writing that made me think about the nice peoplpe that have been helping me out, that have been there to listen to me rant and rave and just go off my nutter in the past month and a half. *hugs them all* But, of course, I have to say special thankee to Lara and Summer, I couldn't have done it without you girls, you both rock, and I'm enternally thankful to know you both, even though I don't say it anywhere near enough. You might not know it, but honestly, I have spoken to you both when I have just felt like doing some awful things to myself, and just being able to talk to either of you and just have a normal conversation has helped beyond measure. You ladies have kept me sane and I'd hate to even think of what I could have done if you weren't there. More than likely I owe you both more than I can ever repay. Love you both.

Anyhow, I'm done now, so love to all except those tha try to make me do things I don't want to!

2004-12-16T13:02:00.000+10:30

Got a new toy on my blog! Yay me! It's a comment thingo. You just click on the thing that says 'comment' and you get to comment! Everyone must use this new feature, because if you don't, I will hunt you down, and you know that I know where you live... so there you go. I spent an hour playing with it, and I am still not happy with it, but at least it is there. I will toy with it more later.

Hrm, talking to Dolly at the moment, something that I haven't done in far too long. It is nice to talk to her. It is good to know that she is going well, and her and her girlfriend look so cute together! And she is prolly a little too worried about me for her own good. But then again, everyone seems to be getting more worried about me now than they were when I was actually going off my nut. I suppose it was expected when I was going crazy, but now that I am through all of that, a lot of the habits I picked up are sticking around, and it really isn't good. A lot of my weight loss has actually been really recently.

I'm trying to sort out Joshua's farewell party at the moment, everyone is going away. Joshua is going to Brisbane for 2 years, Kyle is going to Hiroshima for 2 years, and Brad has already gone to Samoa! It's crazy stuff. Crazy. Makes me want to cry almost. I'm going to miss them like crazy. 2 years! And it is going to be so hard to keep in contact with them too. Because they're going on their missions, they cannot use telephones, use email, nothing like that. They can only write letters. I am determined that I will keep in contact with them though. They're the best. *hugs them all*

And now it is lyrics fun time, this song is one that constantly reminds me of the last time Mr Perfect and I broke up. It's a gorgeous song, I love it to itty bitty little peices. And, really, turns out that after all of that, we ended up back togather anyhow. Sometimes life does turn out for the best!!

10 Days - Missy Higgins

So we've put an end to it this time,
I'm no longer yours and your no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far to steep,
If I'm not even sure
Its me you wanna keep

And its been 10 days without you in my reach
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep

But time has changed
Nothing at all
You 're still the only one that feels like home
I tried cutting the ropes
And I let you go,
But you're still the only one that feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time
If I'm going away
Your hearts coming too
Cos I miss your hands I miss your face
When I get back lets disappear without a trace

Cos its been 10 days without you in my reach
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep

But time has changed
Nothing at all
You're still the only one that feels like home
Tried cutting the ropes
Tried letting you go,
But you're still the only one that feels like home.

So tell me did you really think
Ahh, tell me did you really think I had gone
When you couldn't see me anymore
When you couldn't.

(instrumental)

Cos baby time has changed nothing at all
you're still the only one that feels like home
And oh I tried cutting the ropes
I let you go
Butyou're still the only one that feels like home
Yeah you're still the only one that feels like home
You're still the only one I've got alone
Ohh yeah, yeah yeah yeah...

2004-12-15T19:57:00.000+10:30

He's back! He's back! He's back! *grins*

That is my happy news for the day! The uber bestest person in the world has come back to me after one and a half weeks of him not being here. He's sleeping at the moment, obviously, I mean, long fluight, time znoe changes and all that, he is very tired, but I am just happy to have him back. I was bouncing around like nothing else at the airport, waiting for him to arrive. It was starting to get hard without him there, telling me what was right. I admit that lately I have sort of been having trouble keeping track of what is right and what is wrong. I am getting caught up in a train of thought, and cannot seem to see outside it, which is worrying, because I know that it isn't how things are supposed to be.

I haven't put any of the weight that I lost back on, which is also worrying me a little bit. I have been starting to eat properly again, but even so, I am not eating as much of it as I used to. Back at the end of October I weighed in at 68kgs (149.6 lbs), now, in the middle of December, I weigh 50kg (110 lbs). I have lost 18kg (39.6lbs) in a month and a half, and it isn't coming back. I don't know where it all went, all I know is that now I can see my ribs through my fucking back, and it's killing me. I want to be back to the normal Kimmy. I just went onto some site to calculate my BMI, and it is fucking 16.3. Normal is supposed to be anywhere between 18 and 25. Lachie saw me today and went ape. I've lost a few more kilos since he has been gone, and he noticed it instantly. First thing he had me do was eat something in front of him so that he knew I was actually making an effort.

But yes, my weight is the main thing that is bothering me today. Everything else is good. Went to the airport, got my boyfriend, took him home, and he has been sleeping ever since. Butthole.

*hugs Lara* You didn't do anything wrong sweetie! You never ever do. I love ya to itty bitty peices, and I'm sure that everything will turn out for the best. And you know that if anything gets stressful or anything of the sort, you can just call me, and I'll talk to you. I always will. A-L-W-A-Y-S. Even if I'm at work, or having sex with Lachie... or anything else, I will stop and make a point of either calling you back within 5 minutes or talking to you at that moment. *hugs* Love ya sweetie!

2004-12-14T22:40:00.000+10:30

Lifeline - Brooke Fraser

I have this sinking feeling
Something's weighing me down
I am completely saturated
The waves are crashing closer
My feet already drowned
Doing the thing I said I hated

They've been swimming in the wrong water
Now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know that you'll lift me out

Have your way here
Keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without you
Take this ocean of pain that is mine
Throw me a lifeline

Wake up feeling convicted
I know something's not right
Re-acquaint my knees with the carpet
I have to get this out
'Cos it's obstructing you and I
Dry up the seas that keep us parted

'Cos they've been swimming in the wrong waters
And now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know that you are gonna pull me out

Have your way here
Keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without you
Take this ocean of pain that is mine
Throw me a lifeline

They've been swimming in the wrong waters
And now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know, 'cos I know

That you'll have your way here
Keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without you
Take this ocean of pain that is mine
Throw me a lifeline

2004-12-14T15:35:00.000+10:30

Ah! I think I have found my new musical obssession! It goes by the name of Bond. So cool. Who would have thought that violins could be so cool? Nope, I am very much a happy girl... finally impulse purchasing has paid off! Actually, I like, impulse purchasing has always been fun, it's just more fun when you find something that you really REALLY like, and never knew it. I also bought the cutest photo frame ever, and a cute pink shirt with 'I ran into my ex boyfriend, so I put it in reverse and hit him again' in white lettering. I love that shirt. If I ever see Russell again, I hope that I am wearing it at the time.

I miss Mr Perfect dammit! I want him back home with me, where he is supposed to be, not roaming around some foreign country where he is doubtlessly being hit on by numerous women who all think he is just the sexiest man alive (alright, maybe that is just me). And I'll bet any amount of money that they'll think he is single because he doesn't have a girl with him at the time, so they won't stop hitting on him until he puts them on the phone to me and gets me to tellthem to buzz off... and even then they won't give up, because they will think that our relationship is in dire straits because I'm not there with him...

And now I need to stop my imagination going out of control. Because really, let's face it, nothing bad is going to happen. He is a grown man, someone that can look after himself and not have to worry about having hundreds of girls lining up to hit on him. And besides, if I were to be totally honest, I would have to admit that he isn't the best looking guy ever. But dammit, he is my guy, and he is the sexiest guy in the world to me, so screw everyone else! That's right, I'm feeling strong and empowered today, so if I say my boyfriend is the sexiest man alive, then he is and nothing can change that!

I got a new bag for school next year. I'm so psyched to be giong back, I have missed it so much in the past 6 months. I didn't know that you could miss school, but there you go, you can! I'm hopefully going to be enrolling to do Japanese and Politics, which will be awesome. I just want to get back to the learning thing, I miss it. It is all a big part of my getting on with life plan. I need to get on with life, life is good, and I don't want to miss it because I'm too fucking depressed to do anything about it. It is time for me to create new memories so that I can get rid of the old ones. Is that such a bad thing!? I think not. After all, these old memories are driving me insane.

*sighs* Anyhow, I had best be off, things to do, that kind of thing. Oh, and beofre I do go, everyone see 'Finding Neverland', it is an amazing movie.

Love to all.

2004-12-12T18:32:00.000+10:30

Okay, so I haven't updated in a while, things have been a little bit hectic in the past couple of days. I've been working lots, which has been so full on that it is almost insane. But yes, life has been good. And I have nothing at all to type in here... aside from me not having to worry about the trauma of certain people making my life a living hell... yeah, life is good at the moment! I'll edit this later and give a more full update on the life of me. lol.

2004-12-09T19:12:00.000+10:30

Fancy having the hide to call me up and have a go at me because my ex boyfriend cannot keep his dick in his pants. Maybe the little bitch should ahve thought about all of this before she fucked the guy I was dating. Needless to say tha I wiped the floor with her quite convincingly when she tried to have a go. One would have thought that after knowing me for, oh, I don't know, 6 years, she would have figured out by now that there is a reason no one ever fucks with me. Russell, well, I can forgive him for not knowing how badly I could fuck him up, but that little cow... she should have known better.

He told her everything today, like I told him to. Better to have everything out in the open so that people can make their own judgements than keep secrets. He knew how it would end if he did. He screwed himself by screwing me, and he thinks I didn't know that when I let him fuck me that one time after we broke up? What does he think I am? Stupid? I'm far from stupid, I'm the one girl that he should have thought twice about before screwing me into the ground, because I'm the only girl he'll ever meet that doesn't care about what I do to make him pay for it.

I had nothing left ot lose in this situation, and really the only thing that I feel now that the two of them are well and truly out of my life is relief. I am relieved that I don't have to listen to him tell me how much he loves her and wants to be with her, I don't have to listen to her rabble on about how things are so confusing and she feels so awful about what she has done. I'm done. I'm sick of this shit, and I'm so glad it's finally over. I can finally go back to the life that I had before I met him, the life she wasn't in, and the life that I was happy in. And even though I know it is wrong, I am kind of glad that I have fucked up his life as much as he fucked up mine.

Maybe he'll think twice before he tries to screw someone over next time.

2004-12-09T15:50:00.000+10:30

So he wasn't just fucking drunk, because I kept getting messages. It's almost worrying. I don't know I think I am beginning to regret calling him. But at the same time, you know, I really should ahve expected it. That is just who he is. He sent me one last night saying 'How was the shower last nite? Did u think of me?', to which I was thinking Why yes, I was, because I thought you were FUCKING STALKING ME!! So yes, that was lots and lots of fun. But you know, I can deal with him, I have dealt with him in the past, and I will continue to do so. One of my friends, Lauren, was getting concerned about the whole thing, but I told her that I know this guy. I know him very fucking well. There isn't a move he can make without me kinda expecting it. So you know, all is good.

Listening to "Tilt ya head back" by Xtina and Nelly, such a good song. I recommend it to all of my friends. Everyone must love this song. It is a very groovy song, and if everyone doesn't love it, I have permission to kill them. And now the song is different. Now it is "Pointless Relationship" by Tammin Sursock. I am almost ashamed to be listening to it, but it is so good. It's odd really. I'VE BECOME PREPPY!!! Okay, so maybe I was always a little bit on the preppy side, I mean, have you ever met my boyfriend!? He is the ultimate sign of my preppiness! Naw, seriously though, it's all good. I'm quite happy at the moment. Things are looking pretty good, and if I'm happy, but preppy, then so be it. I can handle that. It happens. People that hate people just because they're preppy pisses me off. I am so incredibly over that High School Clique bullshit, because let's face it, we all end up the same anyway, we all grow up, have careers, have families, find people that we want to spend the rest of our lives with, die and get put in the ground. It's all the same in the end. No one is going to write on my gravestone Kimmy/ 1985-2067/ She was really preppy So really, who cares? It's so pointless.

*growls* I think I just hate most things today. I woke up pretty fucking irritable, as you can tell by my overuse of the word fuck. I hate being kept up late at night by messages every five or ten minutes, it shits me to no end.

Russell isn't leaving me alone as well. I don't know why, he seems to really like the idea that even though he's over me, I'm still pining away for him. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. I got stuck into him yesterday in a huge way, made certain he knew damn sure that if he wanted me to be a bitch, then that was what I would be. No one fucks with me as much as he has and gets away with it. If he wanted a bitch, he got one, because i'm going to fucking well bring him down faster than he knew what hit him. Because you know, that is what I'm good at. And I am more than fucking willing to show him why the saying 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' is the most truthful statement ever made.

2004-12-08T13:15:00.000+10:30

I am seriously starting to think that I am giving out a slut vibe, or a 'my boyfriend's out of the country, come fuck me' vibe. It's worrying. Why do I say this? Because I got a tonne of messages from Sam last night ( I really hope he was drunk or something) and this is how some of them went. Take note that I in no way let him think I wanted to fuck him. *nods*

'Hay kim what u doing im lying in bed abit horny how about u'
'i could have fun in ur body or with it'
'u were always cute, not one to brake the rules tho' (yeah, he works with cars, so naturally the only way to spell break is brake.)
'dont get 2 wet thinkin about wat we could b doing'

Yep, so there you go, that was certainly interesting, and certainly something I didn't see coming. I suppose I should have, I called him earlier today and spoke to him a bit. It's been a while since I have seen him, and I caught him up on the Russell thing and all that, but bloody hell, I didn't expect him to try and get in my pants. He has before, but I really didn't see it coming. Every other time I have, because that is what he does, regardless of whether I'm in a relationship or not. He's in an open relationship at the moment, so I suppose it's all very different for him.

Well, there you go, hat is me sufficiently creeped out, and thinking I am giving out slut vibe.

2004-12-07T21:47:00.000+10:30

I told him to get the hell out of my life today. I told him that I didn't want anything to do with him ever again. I told him to get out and stay out. I am sick and tired of offering him chances to be a good person and having him fuck it up, and then offering him more. I am not strong enough at the moment to handle any more of this, especially not with the wonderful L-man gone. He is my rock at the moment, and without him, I have got to do what I have got to do to in order to survive. And at the moment, that includes getting him out of my life for good.

I look back at myself less than a month ago, and I was a wreck. I was starving myself, I was cutting my wrists, I wanted to swallow razor blades. Thing is, and this is where it's remarkable. The reason I was doing it all was to get someone to tell me to stop. I wanted someone to tell me that they loved me, to tell me that they wouldn't be able to live without me. I was trying to kill myself as a way to finally get people to notice me. Everyone left me alone because I'm supposed to be the strong one, the one that can handle everything. I'm not that person, and the only person that saw that was the one guy that saved me. I owe my life to him, because I don't even want to think about how far I would have gone. The post is there. I was going to kill myself, I had every intention of going home after work that day and swallowing those razor blades.

But then he came and picked me up. Like when I cut my wrists, he called me and got to me in time. It makes me think sometimes, wonder if there really is someone or something up there watching out for me, making sure that everything turns out okay. Makes me wonder if someone is sending you a sign, telling you that this is the person that is always going to be there. This is the person that I should try and make things work with. Since we were 16, we've been a massive chunk of each other's lives, from the very moment I said "shut up you fucking asshole" that day on the plane.

So maybe there is such thing as fate. I don't know. I never believed that there could possibly be till recently. Everything that has happened seems to point to something a little bit bigger than me puling strings. Those two close calls mostly. It just seems funny to me that the two moments I needed someone more than anyone else in the world, he called. He has always been there, everytime I have ever run into trouble, and I have been there whenever he has.

So maybe there is such a thing as fate. Maybe this is a guy that I was meant to be with in one way or another. Who knows. It's all very up in the air at the moment, I don't know what I am meant to be doing, who I am meant to be with, how life is supposed to be turning out. All I know is that wherever the fuck I was a month ago, I don't ever want to go back there, and L-man seems to be the one to take me away from it all. That is all.

2004-12-06T14:29:00.000+10:30

So I get a phone call this morning, really early, from a certain someone saying "Guess where I am!?" It took me a moment to gasther myself, after all, it was really and truly some kind of ungodly hours considering that today is one of my days off. I sorted of mumbled a little bit before saying "huh?". The words were repeated and I told that certain someone that is over in Bali at the moment to go away and let me sleep. So of course, he just passed me onto his friends, who made even more noise and woke me up even more. Bastard.

After a few minutes though, I realised that at least he had kept his promise and called me. It made me feel a lot better. I told him everything that has been going on since he left. As soon as he heard about what Russell tried to do, he instantly volunteered to come back as soon as humanly possible and wipe the floor with him, to which I told him that the arse-kicking can wait till he comes home. He amde me promise that I wouldn't go near Russell with a ten-foot flag pole, which I didn't in the first place, so it wasn't a big deal!

I ended up getting up, having a shower and then getting dressed, because, you know, I could. It's what I do, sometimes I get clean, sometimes I get dressed even! It's this remarkable skill that I have. It amazes everyone.

I'm getting really worried about Brooke. By the sounds of things, she is headed towards that place that I was in not so long ago, and that isn't something that I want for her. She deserves better than that. She is such a lovely, caring person, and I want so much better for her. Every single time something has happened for me, she has tried to support me and be there for me, and that means so much to me. She didn't know about the whole episode with my desperate desire to off myself, I have this 'hiding my pain' thing happening.

Anyhow, dinner now

Love to all

2004-12-05T21:14:00.000+10:30

You're a Dialogue/Character Writer!

What kind of writer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-12-05T20:38:00.000+10:30

*cries* He's gone! Mr Perfect is gone! How am I suppose to swoon over someone when he is gone!? It's just not right. I did actually cry, I knew I would, when it comes to him, how could I not? Feelings aren't fun anymore. I should get rid of them. They should just be gone. Feelings make everything more complex, and harder to figure out than I could ever imagine.

I saw Russell today, and am now damn certain that I don't want anything to do with him ever again. I thought that trying to be his friend would work outm I really and truly did, but after seeing him today, and being there when he tried to kiss me, and tried to fuck me... there is no way come hell or high water I'm ever having anything to do with him ever. He knows that I am with someone, someone that I care about deeply. And yet he doesn't seem to care about that. He just wants to fuck me.

He found out from a friend of mine that Lachie was going away, which is why he decided that we needed to meet up to 'talk'. I'm offended at the very idea that he thinks he could possibly even have me think of having sex with him. I would rather rot. It's disgusting. Even though he keeps talking about how sorry he is, and how he wants to change, he isn't going to change one little bit, ever. He's always going to be that fucked up loser that I thought I was in love with. Truth be told, I wasn't even ever close to loving him, I was in love with the person that he pretended to be, and that person never existed.

So there you go, my visit with Russell was totally foul, and I want nothing more than to beat the living crap out of him.

We had to call the police at work today, there was a guy hitting his son, and yeah, police were needed. That was interesting. Lots of stress and all that. But yes, interesting none the same. Work is really quite good at the moment, I don't actually mind it. ut yeah, other than all that, nothing interesting is happening in my life.

I need a life. lol.

2004-12-04T23:37:00.000+10:30

So what do I do when I get bored and am currently pissing self about Mr Perfect (That is the perfect nickname for him. He will be Mr Perfect for life now!) going to Bali? I make buttons! People can link me through buttons now! YAY! :D I also add myself to fanlistings and all that! :D Life is good!

2004-12-04T15:54:00.000+10:30

He makes me want to kill myself! Not in that way luckily. Because, you know, I'm getting over that, but the guy just makes me want to shot something, and since I'm not huge on shooting other people, myself will have to do. I had an arguement with him today, because I told him if he even wants to try and be friends with me, he can see me from 5:30 till 7:30 tomorrow, and only then. I also told him that if he really wanted to be friends, he would make that time work no matter what. Personally, I think I am being pretty good about the whole thing. I am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off, and that I would rather shoot myself in the stomach than lay eyes on him again.

So I get a message back saying 'well don't you think you're being a little rude?'. I'M BEING A LITTLE RUDE!? HE FUCKING WELL FUCKED HIS EX! hOW MUCH RUDER CAN YOU GET!? Needless to say my anger go the better of me, and I went totally and utterly apeshit at him. I just didn't get it, no way he can tell me I'm being rude. So I called him, yelled a bit, made him cry, the usual (I have found I have a talent for making people cry. This power shall only be used for good). It just annoys me that he can be so inconsiderate. I told him that if he doesn't make it work, It'll cost him any chance that he will ever have of my friendship. He made it work, so that is okay.

*cries* Mr Perfect is going to Bali tomorrow. Not fair.

Anyhow, I think I wanted to vent today. I have now acheieved that. Snaps to me

And I'm spent.

2004-12-03T17:57:00.000+10:30

I'm tired, I'm bored, and I want to shoot something. Because, you know, shooting things is healthy. Yeeeeeeeeeees, very healthy indeed. (I'm feeling a little bit odd today) I want to write a long entry, but truth be told I have no idea what to write about.

Broooke and all them had their formal last night, I was jealous. I remember my formal this time last year... actually, seeing as it is the third, it was exactly this time last year! Right at this very moment I was sitting in Lachie's car on the way to formal! I am almost tempted to show off some of my formal photos from last year, but I will refrain, because, you know, that was last year, and no one is really interested! It was an awfully fun night, and I'm getting all nostalgic about it now! LOL! Then again, I get nostalgic about everything, so that shouldn't really be that much of a shock.

Things have changed a helluva lot in a year though, it's almost incredible to even think about it. I'm a totally different person to who I was 365 days ago. I mean, regardless of the nervous breakdown and the attempted suicides (note how casually I mention them now!) I have grown up so much in the past year, and so rapidly too. I know that it is because of Russell that I have had to grown up, everything that we ever did together was more fo a grown-up sort of thing than anything I ever had before. The things he dealt with, I ended up having to deal with in some way, and it has made me change. I have been completely blown to pieces. In fact, I'm willing to say that I am totally different to the person that I was 5 weeks ago. I'm constantly changing into something else, and it is worrying, but it's comforting, ebcause I know that in the end, while I may lose my innocence and naivity, I'll become a strong, powerful human being.

I don't know, I just don't know anything anymore. I had a phone conversation with Russell last night, trying to work through some of the things that have happened between us. I peronally don't see the point of it all, he doesn't know the first thing about what he has done to me, about how he has had such a huge role in what hapened to me. I would have done anything for him, and he turned around and did what he did to me. Someone that I loved, someone that I cared about and trusted with everything that I am, did what he did. I gave him everything, and he might as well have spat on me and told me that none of it was ever good enough. Try explaining that to someone. Try telling someone that they did this to you. I tried to explain it last night, and all it did was cause yet another breakdown on his part I don't understand why he's the one going on about how much this has hurt him, how he didn't know what he was doing. I always thought it was pretty obvious when you were shoving your dick inside two different people at once, but then again, I'm not a guy, so I might be wrong.

I haven't had sex at all since I broke up with him. I'm in a sexless relationship at the moment, and you know something weird? I actually don't mind! It's been something like 7 weeks, and I actually do not mind that I haven't had sex in that amount of time! It's almost strange. I don't know, at the moment I almost feel like it's best for me to not even think about sex. Sex to me, means trust. I have enough trouble trusting people as it is without what has happened recently, I'm just not ready to be close to anyone at the moment. And while I am closer to Lachie than I have been anyone in my whole life, and always have been, right now I don't think I want that kind of closeness.

*sighs* Well, One Tree Hill is a crappy program. No one should watch it... the whole show is just.... yeah, never going to watch it again. It's like it wants to be The OC without Ben Mackenzie, Mischa Barton, Adam Brody, Rachel Bilson and Peter Gallagher. It just cannot happen. *nods wisely*

I get half the day off tomorrow to help Mr S.O pack. It's all very sad. I really don't want him to go, but I don't really have much choice in the matter. I'm going to miss him like crazy, just not cuddling him is going to drive me totally and utterly bonkers. *growls* I miss him already, and he hasn't even gone yet! Maybe I'm a little bit weird. My feelings towards him are really quite odd at the moment. On one hand, I'm slipping back into what we had when we were first together, where I love him regardless of anything else in the world. But at the same time, I still have those trust issues becauseof what has happened recently.

I know that all of this shouldn't be affecting me as bad as it has, the guy was a rotten fuckwit, and anything remotely resembling feelings for him that I had has been eradicated. I understand that what he did was something that Lachie would never, and has never, done to me. But at the same time, I still have that nagging insecurity that if Russell could pretend to be so great and turn out to be such a wanker, couldn't Lachie do the same? Gah! hate it. I want to be able to act like nothing happen, that I didn't spend that time in the hell that I called my life, but I cannot escape it. My life fell apart. I tried to kill myself. I was a wreck. It's not something you just finish up with one day, and no matter how many times I say it is fine, it really isn't. It's just better than it was the day before.

At least things are starting to get better. I've got myself in a nice wholesome relationship with someone that I know cares about me. I am actually starting to get my friends back, (yeah, I did that pushing away thing that I do so well) which is a fucking miracle, and things are starting to look good for a trip to Queensland at the end of the year. And I'm getting a car! So yeah, life is looking up, finally! :)

And I'm spent

Love to all

2004-12-03T15:22:00.000+10:30

Maybe I'm Amazed - Jem

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way i love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way i really need you

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever help me
Baby won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Don't Tell Me - Avril Lavigne

You held my hand and walked me home I know
While you gave me that kiss it was something like this it made me go ooh ohh
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why did you have to go?
Guess it wasn't enough to take up some of my love
Guys are so hard to trust
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl?
The one who gives it all away

[Chorus:]
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Dont try to tell me what to say,
Your better off that way

Don't think that your charm and the fact that your arm is now around my neck
Will get you in my pants I'll have to kick your ass and make you never forget
I'm gonna ask you to stop, thought I liked you a lot, but I'm really upset
Get out of my head get off of my bed yeah thats what I said
Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl, the one who, throws it all away

[Chorus]
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Dont try to tell me what to say,
Your better off that way

This guilt trip that you put me on won't, mess me up I've done no wrong
Any thoughts of you and me have gone away

[Chorus]
Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you, this time?
Did you think that it was somethin I was gonna do and cry?
Don't try to tell me what to do,
Dont try to tell me what to say,
Your better off that way

Better off that way
I'm better off alone anyway

2004-12-01T18:25:00.000+10:30

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!!

Kimmy made a discovery today! It was earth shattering, and it flies in the face of everything that I have ever thought about some of the people that I work with! It's incredible! Totally and utterly mind-boggling! I swear, I nearly had a heart attack! I couldn't believe my eyes! I just don't know where to start. For months they have been letting on to everyone that they hate each other and cannot stand to be around each other, when the whole damn time they ahve been dating! Sure, it's not exactly 100% in line with company policy, but I'm not about to get in the way of anything.

Anyhow, today, LB comes in to work to talk to us, just because, you know, she says that she wanted to see us, but I highly doubt that was the real reason. WR comes up to the registers, where I had to do all of my work for the day, and the amount of tension there was unbearable. I kept on sneaking looks at them, watching how they were interacting, and it was all a total contradiction of what they had been displaying in the past month and a bit. It was almost as bad as Sam and I were when we were dating so long ago! And you know, we could barely keep our hands off each other!! But we did try, really hard. Honest.

We heard that the rosters were all upstairs, so WR and LB went upstairs to have a look and I stayed down on registers. I remembered then that I had to have Sunday off to see Lachie off at the airport, so I went upstairs to see if they had been really good and given me the day off....

AND BOOM!

I walked into the office and my eyes nearly fell out of my head! It was nearly as good when Sam and I were caught making out in the team room. Not as good because I wasn't the one getting very-kissed in this situation! I was the one that got to discover the kissing! I stood there for about a minute, flabbergasted, before I finally piped up and said (and I thought was pretty cool for not screaming) "And you kept accusing me of wanting to kiss him?" Naturally they both jumped out of their skins, and I stood there, still having a nervous breakdown. She is 20, and he is bloody well 30, with a son! And VICTORIAN! ;)

So I agreed not to tell anyone on the condition that they both be super nice to me. I am so very manipulative! Well, not really, all I am doing is making sure that they don't get me angry, because I tend to do bad things when am angry, like have a psychotic fit and try to kill things... well, not to that extent, but I do say and do things that I shouldn't. And I don't want to ruin someone's career because they didn't get me a pen or something! Ya know? Besides, I don't think that they should be treated the way that Sam and I were when we were dating. It wasn't fun!

Lachie is leaving me for a week on Sunday. He's going to Bali with some friends (the plans that you concoct when you're drunk....) , which he has been planning on doing since, well, well before we were back together, so who on earth am I to turn around and say 'Hey, you cannot go, because I happen to be in the middle of a total nervous collapse!'? It isn't really fair. Besides, I've already made him promise to call me every day, maybe more than once everyday., and he's going to buy me something pretty.

I still don't know where my relationship with him is headed. I think it has been firmly established that even though we have both been in relationships before and since that huge chunk of time that we spent together, that nothing has really ever compared to it. He hasn't meshed with any of the girls that he has been with since me, and I've had guys moving out of the country, liars, cheaters and drug users (and three out of four of those were the same person!). It's funny, ebcause I don't think our feelings for each other ever died. And that seems to be the key thing in all of this. Regardless of anything that I have ever said or done, he has loved me through all of it. And it's kind of impossible to feel as though you're not loved when you know that someone as wonderful as him has loved you for years, and throughout everything. Makes you kinda warm and fuzzy

I've been a few days without thinking of hurting myself, or actually doing so, so things are starting to look up on that front. I have been lying. I have been telling everyone over the course of the past few weeks that I've been okay. I haven't. Up until Sunday, I was still trying to hurt myself and I was hiding it. Like I wrote the other day, I got foundout in it all, by the one person that I didn't want to know. I felt like I disappointed him, and had every intention of going home and doing something to myself for doing things to myself (yep, excellent logic happening there) when he told me he loved me. It was like some scene out of a movie. He told me he should never have let me go, and that this woudn't have hapened to me if he had just fought a little bit harder. It was a beautiful moment, for me anyhow. Hopefully things between us might actually work this time around. And if not, there is always next time.

Ergh, this has turned into a long post. Quite funny. I may just go to bed now!

Love to all!

2004-11-30T15:46:00.000+10:30

I feel cold today. Not because it is cold weather. Inside I mean. I feel cold inside. Always cold inside. It's a funny feeling really. I don't like it, but really there is nothing much that I can do. I know that I am not exactly the most emotional person in the world, but right now I feel as though I'm frozen in this one moment in time, in this one emotion that threatens to overwhelm me. It's worrying, but at the same time, I don't know if I want to leave it just yet, I am scared to think of what lies beyond it I suppose.

Everything is finally starting to look up again, which is great. It actually feels like I'm starting to slowly become human again, become me. It's nice. Things are slowly starting to resemble last year, when I was happy, in a semi-relationship (let's not go there!!) and was just generally living life well. I want to go back to that, so it will be nice. Yay me!

That is all at the moment. *ponders* I hope I thaw. Emotionally I mean.

2004-11-29T17:00:00.000+10:30

Alrighty, so, what have I done over the past few days that is wrothy of attention.... nothing too much really. I had a bad day yesterday, I bought some razor blades during my lunch break with the intention of swallowing them when I got home. Luckily plans changing, my personal guardian angel picked me up from work and took me to the beach (where he discovered the aforementioned razor blades and promptly told me off and cried lots). It was all very emotional, he told me that he loved me, which, even though he has told me before a million times, means a lot. I knew that he did once, but it was kinda of still up in the air as to whther he still did until yesterday arvo.

Obviously it hasn't completly gotten rid of my anxiety and constant nervousness about everything, but it has gotten rid of a lot of the horrible things that I was feeling. I honestly and truly believe that there isn't going to be another instance of me trying to off myself. Part of all of this was that no one loved me, no one cared enough. Like I have said, I know and realise that my family love me, and people keep on asking me why I am feeling like this if I know my family love me. The reason is that I feel, or felt, I don't know, that they only loved me because they had no choice in the matter. Knowing that someone that has no reason to have any connection to me, that doesn't have to love me, loves me means more than anyone could every know. It actually makes me feel like a worthwhile person.

I know that it sounds silly, very single time I go on like this it sounds silly. I know and get that my problems are tiny in comparison to those of some other people, but even if they are, I want to be selfish, because I cannot help other peoplpe if I cannot help myself first. And that is what it is all about in the end. I want to be able to be the person that I was this time last year, even if a million things have changed in the mean time, I want the outlook on life that I used to have. It's important to me, I need to be able to be strong again. And I think I am finally getting there.

I want to see 'Garden State'. I love Natalie Portman, best actress ever. And her movies are always so interesting. Except maybe Mars Attacks, but she was young, so I forgive it! LOL! Other than that, every other movie I have seen her in, she had pulled off a really good performance. I'm really psyched to see it either tonight or tomorrow during the day. :D

Alrighty, nothing more to say! Today was boring, stayed home, re registered for uni (that's right, I'm a registered uni student once more!!), watched some movies with dad, spent more time than what was natural on the phone, got lots of text messages from people that are worried that I have killed myself (see, one of my friends messaged me last night to see if I was okay, i must have been asleep, I never got it. She must have told other people, because I started getting messages from people today asking if I was okay and telling me that they had been worried sick etc etc. Way to feel the love!), replied to all of aforementioned text messages, cleaned, put up the christmas lights and yeah, that is all. Was fun!

And now I am done! :)

2004-11-27T13:31:00.000+10:30

I need to get laid. I really need to get laid.

That is all

2004-11-26T08:18:00.000+10:30

Well, I went to the wonderful world of the nervous breakdown again last night. The fun of hacking at my arms until I decided that doing what I was doing was stupid. It's been nearly a month since I tried to seriously hurt myself, and I thought that it had all gone away, that everything was going to be alright. But it hasn't gone away, not completly. I am still on an edge, still ready to plummet the second someone does something to me that pushes me even a little bit.

Dad went into surgery the other day for his knee, but the operation went bad, so now he is in the most incredible agony almost 24/7. It's not nice to be woken up in the middle of the night by your dad's screams of pain. It is quite... well, awful. Things are a bit tense at the moment because of it, which isn't what pushed me, I'm stronger than that.

What has pushed me is the lying. People keep on lying. They lie to me, they even lie about me. I have found out that someone that I have trusted has lied to people about me, and it drove me crazy. At the moment the worst thing anyone can do is lie to me. I go crazy. After everything that has happened in the past few months with all the lying and secrets, I simply cannot stand people lying to me. I hate it with a passion. And that drove me over the edge last night. MY arms are sore today, luckily I didn't do myself much damage. I called Lachie, as I always seem to end up doing, and he has taken the day off work to hang out with me and make sure I don't do anything stupid again! He's the best, I couldn't live without him. Well, I could live without him, but it wouldn't be as nice as living with him. :)

So there you go. That is my fun story.

Oh! I got Zoolander on DVD last night... retail therapy is goooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. Seriously, spending money makes you feel better. I always thought it was a bullshit excuse to go shopping, but spending money is actually quite good! I recommend it to all my friends.

Anyhow, gotta go and give Dad his painkillers. Love to all!

2004-11-24T22:06:00.000+10:30

Your Beauty lies in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects.You appearance and your personality are two
opposite things. Even yourappearance sends different signals to different
people. To some you may lookinnocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious
and intimidating at the sametime. No one ever knows what to expect with you.
You are a little bit ofeverything all mixed together. You can be watching
the football game with theguys one minute and the next out shopping at the
mall. You seem to be almost adifferent person every time you meet someone, but
at the same time you knowexactly who you are and there is always that one
thing that makes you you. Youenjoy keeping people guessing and people love how
completely unpredictable youare.

Some ThingsThat Represent You:

Element:Fire, Water Animal: Chameleon Color:
Dark Tones, LightTones Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression:Half-smile

Gemstone:Opal Mythological Creature: Gryphon,
Half-breeds Sign:Gemini Planet: Mars Hair Color: Red
Eye Color:Brown

Quote:"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..

2004-11-24T17:42:00.000+10:30

Eck, what can I say about today that is remotely interesting? I went shopping, because I woke up, saw that the only clothing I had that wasn't in the wash made me look like some sort of dirty slut, and promptly freaked out. So I decided that I needed some new clothing, which I now have, and am very happy to have. I had to go down to the stores dressed like a total skank, and as soon as I bought the new clothes, changed into them, which was good, because looking like a whore sucks. AND, despite what everyone seems to think, I am not a whore!

I also bought The OC : mix 1, which I have been looking for for soooooooo long. Well, about a week since I got The OC: mix 2 and couldn't find the first one, but it sounds good to say anyhow. It's got "California" by Phantom Planet on it! This makes me very happy indeedy. I love that song. *nods wisely* I also bought Bridget Jones : The Edge of Reason. I saw the movie not too long back, and simply had to buy the book, is muchly cool. I think that is all that I bought, clothing, CD and reading material. Next week will be more clothing, because I keep on shrinking, and my clothes stop fitting. It's getting ridiculous. This is the third pair of jeans I've bought in the past 4 weeks, every fucking time in a smaller size. It's pissing me off. I'm spending a fortune on things I shouldn't be, because I cannot bloody well eat!

Dad went into hospital today for his operation. This is a good thing. It was only day surgery, so he is back at home now with a nasty-ass bandage on his knew. It looks worse than it actually is, which is probably a good thing, considernig how damn nasty it looks! He'll be back at work on Monday or Tuesday though. In the mean time Mum and I have to do the work around the house, because dad is somewhat incapacitated at the moment.

I got a message from Russell today. Apparently he wants to see me sometime soon. I'm not too sure how to take it. Whenever I go and see him lately, he just wants to get in my pants. The conversation always starts off with how he feels really bad for what he has done to me, and asking me to tell him how he could make it up to me. Then he either tries to kiss me, or tries to feel me up or something like that. It's fucking sick, and it makes me feel like I'm some cheap slut that he thinks will blow him at every chance I get. Not going to happen. Ever. I kissed him once after we broke up, because, you know, it was an odd moment. I kissed him, once. KISSED! I didn't try and do anything sex-related. I just kissed him. And I threw up afterwards. Now come on, someone try and tell me what insane leap of guy logic says 'Hey, she's throwing up after kissing me, she must really want me'!?

So in short, I don't think it would be a good idea to go and see him without Lachie there. I've only just gotten back into a relationship with the guy, the last thing I want is for me to do something stupid and screw everything up for myself. I know that if I fucvk this up, I'll go well and truly over the edge, more so than I did last time, and it will be scary. Very scary. It'll be hurt-myself style scary. I'm clinging to Lachie as it is at the moment, clinging with everything that I have. I'm very much the dependent person at the moment.

Eck, going to watch The Simpsons. So good. lol. Then go out, see Lachie, do that sort of thing. The fun stuff in life. :) Love to all!!

2004-11-23T18:06:00.000+10:30

So I decided that perhaps writing something in here would be a good idea after my little rant just now. I also ran out of things to do, so wiritng something in here, or in my real diary seemed like the only two options. And frankly, staring at this screen as I type is far less damaging to me than trying to write a few pages of annoying crap in my diary. I have a headache that I am trying to tend to at the moment, and it just isn't going away. I'm thinking that maybe I should just go to bed and be done with it. I've eaten today, so that is a good thing, but I'm pretty certain I won't be eating again. Too much food, not enough room in my stomach to handle it.

Everyone is getting more and more concerned about my eating habits. Funny thing is that they are getting worried about them when they are getting better. When I had stopped eating altogether, no one really noticed, and if they did, they certainly didn't say anything. Now everyone seems to care. It's strange. Then again, what else would I have expected, people always try and take credit for things that you have done yourself. I have been making myself better (with the help of Lachie) and now my folks and friends are jumping on board saying they made me better. They didn't. No two ways about it. It wouldn't have gone so far if they had been there helping me. I wouldn't have done what I did if I actually had people supporting me.

And that's what it comes down to. It came down to when I needed support, the only person that was actually there for me was my ex boyfriend. And yet people have a go because I'm spending time with him? Well gosh darn it, god forbid I spend time with the person that saved me. Eck, whatever, in the end, it is my choice who I end up with, and like I keep telling anyone that will listen, for some stupid reason, I always end up coming back to him. I don't believe in soulmates, I never have. There is not one person that you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. What there is, in my opinion, is what you make of someone. Relationships are not about cruising through and agreeing on everything. Relationships are hard, I have been through enough to know that much. You have to work with someone to be able to live with them. But that is okay, because it's rewarding.

But for some reason, which I am still unsure of, I find myself quite consistently attracted to him. It's funny. He is not the best looking guy I have ever seen, yet, to me anyway, there is no one else in the world that is more attractive to me. It's odd, I've dated my fair share of jock guys and all that, and yet no one has ever gotten to me quite like this guy has. I don't know, maybe I am in love with him? *shrugs* It's all very confusing. I'm still really bad at this whole love thing... it just isn't my scene! Anyone that knows me knows I'm not a very emotional person, I don't tend to act out on my feelings, it's just the way I was brought up, emotions are weakness. It's been hard to get out of that habit, but I'm getting there...

Hell, maybe one day I'll cry? ;)

2004-11-23T16:23:00.000+10:30

I'm hysterical!!

why is YOUR livejournal annoying?

Need I say more? Well, I suppose it's a good thing, I like being hysterical, and yes, it does scare everybody, but isn't that the point? Being happy is a very good thing, a very cool, very good thing. Eck. I have no inspiration to write anything, but I know that if I don't, tomorrow I won't have the inspiration, and this will end u like evry other journal that I have ever started. And since I went out of my fucking way to fnid this nifty layout, that isn't going to happen again. So there.

I went into the city today (something new and different I suppose, I don't go in very often. The bus ride is too long. I need to learn to drive) to get my birther a birthday present. I bought him a book and some chocolate. It's probably a really good thing that he is reading more and more, considering his dyslexia, the more he reads, the easier it will be for him to cope later in life, especially when he gets to Year 12 and uni. I remember how hard he had to work at reading when he was little, he worked at it so hard that it got to the point that his teachers didn't actually recognise that he had a problem.

I ran into Ange in the city today, it was only momentarily, I was on my way to meet Dad, and already running 5 minutes late. It was more of a quick hi and a promise that I would call him sometime soon. I miss hanging out with him, he was the man! I will have t call him tonight, rather than have it be one of those comments that you make to someone, and never end up keeping. I am sick of doing that, i have become almost notoriously flaky, and it is not a good thing.

Anyhow, going to go and grab soemthing to eat. Am very hungry... lol.

New bloggie, new life... kinda...

2004-11-22T16:53:00.000+10:30

Well, I have a new blog. I couldn't stand the idea of seeing the other one day in and out for the rest of my life, knowing the things that I had written in there, and knowing the pain that I have felt in the past month or so because of those feelings. I just couldn't handle it. So I decided that it was time for me to move my blog. New chapter of my life, so to speak! I have no intentions of going back to where I was, it was a horrible, awful, just plain ugly place that I have no desire to ever be in again. I tried to kill myself. I actually tried to slash my wrists. I don't want to do that again.

I'm happier now though. Things are going to be okay. But in order for them to be great, I need to get away from what happened. I have been solid, I have confrontations, and I have sorted myself out. But now I have to act like nothing ever happened, and that everything is fine. And you know what, everything is fine. Or at least it will be, eventually. And I don't think I'm making sense.

I have started keeping an actual writing-in-it diary. A true to life book. I couldn't believe it. But funnily enough, I do enjoy writing in it, it helps me vent. I think it is something that I should keep doing... I could be like Bridget Jones! Because that would be cool! Maybe not overweight... but dude, would I fuck Hugh Grant or not? He was damn hot in the second one! That tan, the white shirt... he was amazingly hot, and I don't care who knows it! I THOUGHT HUGH GRANT WAS HOT IN BRIDGET JONES 2!! Now everyone knows. Yay.

Going to go shopping tomorrow, get some things that need to be got. Gotta get a birthday pressie for my brother. He'll be rather annoyed if I forget! Don't have a clue what to get, and knowing me, I'll end up getting clothing of some description for myself, and come Friday, will have no present for said brother... I need to learn to be not so selfish... maybe... one day. I don't know, I have this thing happening at the moment when I look after myself first and foremost, probably left over from me having to look after myself, by myself for the past month. I'm still trying to learn to lean on Lachie like I used to, but it's hard. It's hard to trust someone after the depth that I was betrayed at. I want to trust him though, he is the best person in the world to me, and I'll love him forever, in one way or another. You know, just the way things are.

I think I'll finish my rant now... maybe I'll post something of substance tomorrow. lol.